


Telling the Team

by eclipsingbinary



Series: Recovery Tales [4]
Category: Black Clover - Tabata Yuki (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Injury Recovery, Major Character Injury, Whump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:27:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29065053
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eclipsingbinary/pseuds/eclipsingbinary
Summary: It's been 5 years since the mission to Ayre and all of its ramifications.  Finral's managed the health consequences on his own with regular medication and occasional check-ins with Owen.  He hasn't needed to talk to his Juniors about it.  Or wanted to, if he's being honest.That's all going to change during a mission to a Spade garrison with Magna and Luck.
Relationships: Finral Roulacase & Langris Vaude, Finral Roulacase & Luck Voltia, Finral Roulacase & Magna Swing, Finral Roulacase & Yami Sukehiro, Magna Swing & Luck Voltia, Vanessa Enoteca & Finral Roulacase
Series: Recovery Tales [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2004724
Comments: 60
Kudos: 95





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the final story in the _Crazy Trust Thing_ series. That is subject to the whims of the characters who sometimes demand that there is something else worth telling. For example, this was just meant to be a short epilogue to bring the timeline up to date. But Finral kept demanding more. It's his fault I torture him so much.
> 
> I think this will make more sense if you've read the other stories in the sequence, but it might work as a standalone if you're willing to take some stuff for granted. 
> 
> Simplesongsmistress and fairytail1230 were the beta readers who sorted the problems in this story again. They are amazing. As always it's pretty much finished and undergoing polishing. Expect 22k words of angst, hurt, comfort, then more hurt, and then a bit more. But always the comfort. And all the Bulls are in this one, so there is a lot of comfort to go around. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy.

“Hey, Finral. You okay?”

“Sure,” Finral lies. 

“You don’t look okay. You look all sort of… fidgety.”

Well, shit. He might have got it past Magna, but for all of Luck’s battle crazed tendencies, he misses nothing. And Finral is struggling to keep this under control.

“It’s fine,” he lies again. 

“But…”

“It’s fine,” he repeats, but he realises he’s shouted when both Magna and Luck stare at him.

He's in so much trouble. He buries his face into his hands so he doesn't have to look at the expressions on their faces. His left hand trembles so badly that he has to squeeze it with the right to get it to stop. 

Magna places a hand on Finral’s shoulder and it makes him jump. It feels like his nerves are wired wrong. 

“Finral. You need to speak to us.”

He's right. It's been building up for the past few hours and he knows how it’s going to end. It's only fair that he tells his companions. But damn. This hasn't happened in years. He thought he had it under control.

It had been under control. He keeps taking Owen’s meds, doesn't skip days, and doesn't miss too much sleep. He doesn't try to drink more than Vanessa. He knows he shouldn’t…

Shouldn’t go on missions where you’re going to get strip searched, told to dress in different clothes and watch your own kit and a fortnight's worth of meds get shredded. Shouldn’t go on missions that you can’t make a portal to fetch the spare ones on the drawers at home, because you’re meant to be anything but a spatial mage.

“We’re worried,” Magna says.

You and me both, Finral thinks and tries to slow his breathing. He peeks out between his fingers towards the small cell window. Come on Yami. Send the signal already. 

They had been there for four days. The plan is simple. Finral, Magna and Luck had to get themselves captured and held in the Spade Kingdom mobile garrison that’s been lurking in the Forbidden Realm. Then all they have to do is wait and eat the terrible prison food while the two factions negotiate an appropriate ransom for ‘Mr Finesse’ and his two retainers. As the Spade mages try to work out how many gold coins and magical items their three prisoners are worth, Finral, Magna and Luck have to watch for Yami’s signal that he's in position. When it's received, Finral opens a portal for the twenty five high level Clover magic knights ready to pour into the garrison and take down one of the last remnants of the Spade war machinery.

If they don’t get the signal in seven days, Finral has to get them out of there.

So, far, so straightforward. What no-one counts on is his meds getting destroyed and how little sleep it is possible to get when you’re waiting for a signal that might only happen once.

“Finral,” Magna says again. “Tell us what is wrong. Or, shit, I don’t know…”

Finral knows it all rests on him. The whole mission. This garrison has been patrolling the forbidden realm for months, picking off small villages and outposts at will. Taking it down from the inside is the best way to avoid bloodshed and save lives. There’s no way he can call it off. He told Yami he could do this. And he can, but try telling that to his fried brain. It’s going to let them all down.

His left leg feels like it belongs to someone else and the vibration won’t stop. His head hurts and he can’t breathe. The space in the cell feels both far too large and too small at the same time.

“Sorry,” he says. Too quiet. He tries again. “Sorry. Can’t stop it.” He isn’t being loud enough. He can’t even hear his own words over the way everything is shrieking. “Don’t shock me,” he says. He knows instinctively that this would make it worse than it’s already going to be.

Then the world is sucked away and none of it matters.

\--

He wakes up and feels awful. He hates this. He remembers when he was seventeen and Owen adjusted the doses. He lost whole days feeling like… like this. Like every muscle in his body has been pummelled by the broadside of Yami’s katana. His ears are ringing and his head feels like it's exploded and all that’s left is shrapnel. 

His mouth is sore and he spits out a mouthful of blood before he can bear to open his eyes. He can feel it run down his lips, until something wipes it away. 

“Finral,” a voice says. It’s very quiet. Too quiet, but Finral isn’t on the right page to work out why. It always takes a bit longer for his memory to fill in recent events.

He cracks an eye open. He can see fuzzy shapes and grey walls and he lets it close. Not worth the bother

The voice says, “Finral. Are you awake?”

No, he wants to say. He’s fucked and he hurts and he’s just had the first proper seizure he’s had for years. He knows it isn’t a little one because they don’t leave him feeling like he’s been thrown into a cliff. Twice.

He mumbles something and tries to open his eyes again.

“Oh thank god,” the voice says. “I thought Luck had killed you.”

Little pieces are beginning to fall back into place the way they do as his brain catches up. He hates losing time. He’s hated it since the weeks after Ayre when all he ever did was sleep and wake up to be told the things he couldn’t remember. 

He manages to say, “Magna. You're Magna. Where’s Luck?"

"He's here too. Just over there." 

"He shocked me.”

“You told him to do it.”

Shit. His team are idiots. “I said don’t. Don’t. Don’t shock me. Damn.”

“You need to make this clearer Finral,” Magna says.

It's a good point. If he’d explained what was going to happen, Magna and Luck wouldn’t have panicked. What would have been a partial seizure lasting a few minutes is now this mess. 

He needs to sleep. But the ground is cold and he hurts. Everywhere.

He cracks both eyes open this time and can almost make out which of the shapes is Magna, sitting nearby and Luck, somewhere over out the way. He can’t see them properly but the part of his brain that’s making leaps of logic tells him that they're staring at him because he scared them. Way to go Finral.

“‘M okay,” he mumbles. “Happens.”

“No. These things don’t just happen,” Magna says. He sounds angry. “Explain.”

But there are no more minutes left. The sand has gone through the hourglass and Finral’s body says it can’t do anymore without sleeping. It flips all the switches at once. He tries to say sorry, but it's only in his head. 

\--

The next time he wakes up he feels like a person. That’s an improvement. He’s freezing though, which is worse. He can’t stop shivering. 

He’s been woken by a racket like someone trying to wake the dead. Maybe it’s an uncomfortable analogy. It sounds like someone ringing a bell again and again and again. He cringes away from it, and realises he’s lying on someone’s lap. The person says, “Finral.” The terrible noise stops.

“Who? Luck? Where’s Magna?”

“We’re both here. You awake?” Someone else says. Even emerging from sleep he can feel how angry that voice is. He opens his eyes and sees Magna leaning close. 

That means it’s Luck's legs he’s using as a pillow. Finral tries to pull himself up but even though he’s slept he’s still clumsy and uncoordinated. Luck helps. 

It’s freezing. When did it get so cold?

Magna isn’t wearing his jacket. His bare arms make Finral shiver more, until he realises that the missing jacket is wrapped around him. So is Luck’s. Finral tugs them closer but it doesn’t help. 

“Wha’ happened?” Finral asks.

Magna growls and turns away. He’s furious. Guilt overwhelms Finral. Shit. This is his fault. “We should be asking you that.” 

“Umm. Yeah.” He closes his eyes and feels himself sway until a warm body scoots in behind him and pulls him to lean close. There is the familiar background static of Luck when he’s worried. 

“So, talk,” Magna says. Wow. When did he learn to channel Yami? Finral is answering before he has time to object.

“It’s… it’s okay. It’s not the first time. It’s not even the second or hundredth.”

Magna is frowning harder. All those times that Finral has mentioned his seniority melt away. This is Magna in charge.

“Short version, normally I’ve got meds that keep it under control. I haven’t had one like that for years. I had enough tablets to do a couple of weeks.”

“They were in your other clothes,” Luck guesses. 

Finral nods. His head hurts. “I could have got the spare ones from home, but…”

He doesn’t need to complete the sentence. They all know what could happen if he opens a portal before Yami gives the signal.

“You knew it was going to happen,” Magna says. He’s still angry, but it's fading and Finral can sense the fear underneath. Magna was terrified. 

No wonder, Finral thinks. “Yeah. I knew there was one coming on. Not sleeping doesn’t help, and stress and all the usual things. I didn’t think it would be a big one though. I used to get the little ones more often. 

“That was what was happening before I shocked you?” Luck asks.

“Yeah. Sorry. It’s my fault. I should have said.” He can feel the tears on his cheeks. Tired and over emotional is not a great look. “I… I haven’t spoken to anyone about this for years. I waited too long. I didn’t know how to start and then, it was too late. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

Magna is a hugger. It’s one of Finral’s favourite things about him. He pulls Finral into his arms and holds tight. Finral doesn’t deserve his forgiveness, but right now he’s too cold, sore and tired to want to deal with anything else. 

“You’re an idiot,” Magna says. “We’re glad you're not dead.”

“Yeah. Me too.”

“You look awful though,” says Luck.

“I feel awful.” Finral pulls away from the hug to look at Magna again. “They tend to cluster. The last time Owen cut my dose back it took a week for them to stop.”

“When was that?”

“Years ago. Before you joined. I’ve never missed more than a dose or two since then.”

“And you’ve not had any for four days?” Magna sounds horrified. Luck tenses up behind him.

“No…” he starts, but they’re interrupted by the outside door opening. One of the numerous, interchangeable guards has been sent to investigate the noise. 

“What do you want?” she demands.

“He’s sick,” Magna says and points a hand at Finral. Finral shudders in the cold and it isn’t for effect. “We need more blankets and clothes. And a proper room with a recovery mage.”

It’s a mark of how unwell Finral must look that when the guard sees him, she says, “I’ll get you some blankets.”

When she leaves, Finral sinks back against Luck and lets his eyes close for a moment. He wraps his arms around his chest to try to hold any of the heat in, but it’s no good. He can’t stop shivering.

Magna and Luck are discussing something, discussing him no doubt, but for the moment he can’t summon the energy to care. He wants to sleep and feel more like himself when he wakes up.

“Finral,” Magna says. “Can you get us home?”

He opens his eyes and stares at Magna. “What?”

“Can you get us home? We can explain to Yami what happened. They can set something else for this job.”

Magna’s talking about abandoning the mission. “No.”

“You can’t get us home?”

“Yes, I can. Maybe not right now, but in a bit. But we can’t.”

“Finral, if this is you on day four, what is it going to be like in another three days. Can you get us home if we don’t get the signal? And if you have to do something before then, can you do it for so many people all at once.”

Finral swallows. Yeah, that's a good point. Opening a portal right now would be impossible, but he knows how it works. It isn't his mana being drained. This is physical exhaustion and it'll get better if he can warm up and rest. The partial seizures don't wear him out like this. He can make a portal after one of those. 

Nagging in his head is his own warning to Magna. ‘They tend to cluster.’ There's no guarantee what the next seizure is going to be, and how fast he can recover. They could get the signal from Yami and it might be a couple of hours before he could make a portal.

But turning tail and running is no good. There's a job to do and Yami trusts him to do it. And he can do it.

He's going to have to convince Magna and Luck though. If he could stop shivering that might be a good start. 

“Look, so long as no one shocks me next time, we should be okay. I can pretty much carry on after a partial seizure, so long as there aren’t too many. It’s only the big ones that make me feel like this.”

The exterior door opens and the guard returns. She’s carrying a pile of blankets and a change of clothes. Maybe she is a bleeding heart, or Finral looks that bad. Luck helps him pull off his shirt and pants and change into the dry set. He never usually wet himself even with the big seizures, even though Owen said it was normal. Even when he’d lost full days of memory, this was one of the first times he’d had to change afterwards. If he had any energy for it, he would have been mortified. But by the time Luck helps him to change and then Magna wraps him in blankets he’s already starting to doze off. 

“Finral,” Magna says. “Don’t sleep for a minute. We need to know what to do if it happens again.”

“Hmm.”

“If you have another seizure. What do we do?”

“Don’t leave me.”

“We’re in a cell the size of a closet. We’re not going anywhere.”

“Good,” he mumbles. God he’s tired. “That’s it. Big ones, wait for them to finish. They don’t last too long.”

“You were convulsing for ten minutes last time.”

Finral manages to open his eyes again. That long. No wonder he feels so out of it.. “‘S not usually tha’ long.” Shit. He’s slurring his speech. He hopes it's tiredness. “Le’ me sleep, Ow’n says bes’ on side.”

He’s tucked up against Magna’s chest and Luck is leaning into the blankets at his side. The shivering is easing a little. 

“You can sleep now,” Magna says. “We’ll wake you if we need you.”

\--

There’s a hand around his neck. It’s lifting him up off the ground. He tries to get loose, tries to make a portal to get away but his hands are tied and he can’t get them loose. He feels the hand tense around his neck and he’s going to….

“Finral. Wake up.” Someone’s shaking his shoulder. It pulls him out of the immediacy of the dream, but he’s breathing too fast and still trying to untangle the rope from his wrists when Magna says, “You’re dreaming. It’s okay.”

Magna wasn’t in Ayre. There is no rope around his wrists. 

Shit. He hasn’t had that dream for months. Years. “Yeah,” he says, then repeats it louder so that Magna can hear him. “Yeah. Thanks. I’m awake.”

The cell is dark. He’s lying against Magna’s warmth but he still feels chilled to his bones. He’s tucked under a pile of rough blankets. He can’t feel Luck’s static any more. “Where’s Luck?”

He can hear Magna’s smile in his voice. “You always do that. It’s like the first thing. Where is everyone?”

Finral thinks about that. Is Magna right?

Luck says, “I’m over here. We’re taking shifts at the window.”

“I can help.”

“No, you can’t,” Luck says. 

Magna says, “Yeah, no. Go back to sleep Finral.”

“But.”

“No. You said that not sleeping made the seizures worse. I’d like to get the mission done and get out of here. If that means being your pillow for the next three days then we can do that.”

Finral lies and breathes for a moment. He closes his eyes, but the nightmare is lingering on the edges. 

He hasn’t realised that his breathing is still too fast until Magna says. “You want to talk about it?”

“What?”

“I don’t know. The nightmare. All this stuff? You’re too tense to go back to sleep yet.”

God damn. Finral sighs. When did Magna get good at this? “What do you want to know?” 

“What were you dreaming about?” Luck asks. He’s straight to the big questions as if he’d ever be anything but direct.

Finral squirms a bit against Magna. He doesn’t want to talk about it. He doesn’t even remember most of it, so they’d be better off asking Yami or Vanessa or even Gordon. He thinks about lying, then decides that he owes them for the fright he's given them. He’s got to start talking about this. Once they get out of here, he’s not going to be able to go back to pretending everything is okay. 

He can’t think about that now. He doesn’t want to acknowledge the kind of shift this is going to mean. How will anyone be able to work with him? No one’s going to be able to rely on him again. No one is going to respect him. It’s finished. 

Don’t think about it.

“You want to know the whole story?” he says to distract himself. “I don't remember lots of it, so I’m going off what Yami, Vanessa and Owen said happened.”

He can feel Magna’s nod and Luck says, “Yeah.”

“We’ve got plenty of time to kill,” Magna says. “You don’t have to tell us anything you don’t want to. But I’d like to know what happened.”

Finral takes a deep breath and says, “I was dreaming about Ayre.”

“Never heard of it.”

“It’s a dump. We’re never going back there.” 

And so, he starts the story about the trip to Ayre to track down Barat and its disastrous conclusion. He skirts over how he was injured, because, as he explains, he doesn’t remember. What he does remember is the look on Yami’s face when someone mentions it by accident. He remembers the feel of that hand around his neck and it makes him itch even thinking about it.

Luck and Magna don’t interrupt.

He tells them about the semi-conscious portal and how it led Yami to the hideout and Henry. Yami has never talked about the walk through the forest and what happened before Owen arrived so he tells them what Vanessa said. Finral has had to fill in the gaps. He’s pretty sure that ‘You stopped breathing, you know,’ hadn’t been an exaggeration.

He’s beginning to flag by this time, but it’s weird. He’s not talked to anyone except Owen about this for years. It seemed wrong as everyone else seemed far more traumatised than he had any right to be. When Owen makes him come for a check up, the Recovery Mage knows more about what happened than Finral ever will. But now that he’s telling the story, he can’t stop.

He tells them the little bit he can remember of those first days, waking up with no idea what happened or where he was. He admits how frightening everything was for a while. He has a visceral memory of the dread that accompanied the sound of Yami’s voice. 

He loses the next part of the story. He doesn’t remember much of the days of seizures before Owen worked out what was happening. He tells them that Yami found him face down in the bath. Perhaps Magna feels him shudder because he tucks an arm around him. 

It’s the first time that either of them interrupt. “You nearly died?” Luck asks.

“Yeah. I guess.”

He remembers the pneumonia and the cold that never seemed to go away. He explains about recovery spells and the way they still interfere with the meds. Magna says, “We need to talk about this bit again,” but lets him continue. Then, of course he has to explain why the wizard king was there and why a recovery mage put him in a recovery spell that nearly killed him.

He’s going from Owen’s recollections. He doesn’t remember anything more than waking up sore and high. Yami has never mentioned it. Vanessa only spoke about it once, when she was so drunk that Finral’s not convinced that she knew he was there. She hadn't made much sense, but she had hugged him and said that she was glad he kept fighting. As if that is something anyone would have ever said about him.

Then Barat. The dream is still lingering, so it’s hard to talk about the man that both hurt him and saved him. Owen made Finral see Barat once when the nightmares and flashbacks were so bad that he couldn’t sleep and he barely functioned through the day. He focuses on the memory of Barat shackled to a security mage as he speaks. He never knew that Finral was there, but the sight of the man unable to move, short and old and weakened, still gives Finral more power than he thought it could. He keeps it short and factual for Magna and Luck. Barat came and put him to sleep so that there was time for the medication to work.

He explains that the next few weeks were spent working on building up the strength in his left leg and arm, but they sometimes give him trouble if he’s tired. This gets another, “We’re talking about this,” from Magna. He’s keeping a list. 

It took longer for his magic to come back, and he might never have regained his confidence if it hadn’t been for the Wizard King and some apples. 

The dream has faded through his tale. His throat hurts from talking too much. He realises his left leg is trembling at the same time as Magna does. Shit. 

The first thing he thinks when he comes back is how much he hates losing time like this. He’s still leaning up against Magna and he’s shivering again with the cold. 

Magna says. “You back? You were out just a couple of minutes. We’re still in the Spade garrison dungeon. I’m here, obviously, Luck is here too. ”

“Hi Finral,” Luck chirps.

Finral takes a deep breath. And another one. “Thanks,” he says, and thinks that Magna’s worked out what he needed when even Finral didn’t know. No one has ever realised how reassuring it is to know how long he's been out and where everyone is. Least of all Finral. “Yeah. That helps. That really helps.”

“You good to sleep now?” 

“Cold.”

He can feel Magna lean round to look at Luck. “Finral, it isn’t cold. Is this another part of all of this?”

Sleep is dragging him back down, but he tries to think of the answer. “Maybe it’s withdrawing off the meds,” he suggests. “I only came off them twice. The first time was with Owen and Yami and… that time. After a year, Owen got me to try to cut the dose, but that gave me seizures again, so he put it back up and told me to stick with the high dose. He said I couldn’t stop all of a sudden or I’d get withdrawals. Maybe this is what they feel like.”

“Shit,” Magna says. “Can you make a portal?”

“If I have to,” he says and lets his eyes close.

\--

He’s lying on Luck the next time he wakes. Luck’s shaking his shoulder. The cell is bright with sunlight from the little window. The garrison has moved. He dislikes the feeling that he’s moved without knowing.

Is he never going to get warm? He’s shivering as soon as he opens his eyes. 

“You need to drink this. We got them to bring you tea,” Luck says.

Most of the aching has gone even if the shivering has not. He feels more awake too and manages to lever himself off Luck’s knee on his own. How did they swap without him noticing? 

“We’ve swapped three times while you were asleep. You never moved.” Luck answers the question that Finral hasn’t asked out loud. “You’re still very cold.”

As he says it, he hands Finral a mug of tea. It isn’t too hot, but his hands are so cold it feels like it's burning. Luck steadies it until the shivering becomes manageable. “How’d you get them to give you this?”

“Magna said that if you died they wouldn’t get any money.” 

Magna is sitting up beside the window watching the trees. He shrugs. “They might try to negotiate faster. Might be our best way of telling the others to hurry up.”

Finral is impressed. That makes a lot of sense. They can’t tell Yami and the others to get their asses in gear, but if they can see a difference in the negotiations, it might be enough to pass on the message. “That’s a good idea,” Finral says. He’s holding the cup in his hands and letting the warmth seep into his joints. 

“Yeah. Don’t know if it will work. Yami’s still got another two days to get to the right place. You think it’s gonna work?”

Magna is asking if Finral can make a portal. He thinks about it, feels the mana and the markers around him. He can make the portal. That’s not going to be the problem. But he’s not sure how long he can hold it open once he does. He’s got a gut feeling that whatever withdrawal is doing, it’s playing havoc with the way he's thinking. Holding a portal open for twenty five people needs a lot of concentration. Especially if they take their time.

“I can do it. But they need to be fast. I don’t think I can keep it open long.”

Magna nods and looks out the window again.

The shivering eases a little with the tea. His hands feel like they belong to him again. No comment about his feet, but he’ll take what he can get. He isn’t sure why the cold would be a problem. He doesn't remember it from dropping the dose before. Yami would know.

“Do the seizures happen when you’re asleep?” Luck asks.

Finral startles. He hadn’t realised he’d been caught up in the thoughts. Luck takes the cool cup out of his hand. “Maybe. I don’t know. I guess they might. I used to wander through the night, so I guess so. Why?”

“Your electricity changes. I can feel it.”

“Hmm. Henry could feel it. He knew when I was wandering off. He said he could sense it.”

“Wait,” Magna says. “Henry knew about this? You knew about Henry?”

“Yes. He was there. He knew I was having the seizures and kept freaking out. He knew I was in the bath. And when I was in the recovery spell. He got Yami. Sort of saved my life, I guess. A couple of times.”

“Does everyone else know about this but us?” Magna says. He sounds cross.

Finral feels panic welling up inside him at Magna’s anger. “No. No. Not everyone else. Nobody. No one.” He knows that the fear is irrational. It’s driven by withdrawals and nerves and the waiting and the dreams and the freezing cold. He tries to retreat backwards into Luck. But he can’t go anywhere. “Sorry. I didn’t say to….”

Magna is away from the window and in front of Finral without him noticing. Did he have another seizure and miss it? The fire mage’s warm hands are on his and he’s in front of Finral’s face so that he has to look straight at him. He’s speaking, but Finral’s missing the words. He only tunes back in when Magna says, “Shit,” and pulls him into a hug.

Finral’s sobbing. He’s horrified, but he can’t stop. Magna’s question is fine. It makes sense. He didn’t want to make Magna angry, but he’s right. He never told them. So why can’t he stop crying. He can’t breathe through the sobs.

It takes too long for the physical contact to ground him. By the time he feels like he can breathe again, his leg is trembling and he’s fed up with this. 

There is a gap, then he’s leaning against Magna and his cheeks are dry. 

Luck says, “You’re back, Finral.”

“Wha’,” he tries to say, but his throat is sore.

“It’s me and Luck,” Magna said. “We’re still in the Spade garrison. You were out for about five minutes. Which was longer than last time.”

“I’m sorry.”

Magna hits his arm. “Idiot. You shouldn’t be sorry. It was my fault. I’m sorry.”

“But you were right…”

“No I wasn’t. Yami’s going to hit me for being an ass. It’s none of my business what and who you speak to. I don’t have any right to know the things you told us. I’m honored you did though. I shouldn’t have got angry.”

Finral sinks back into Magna’s warmth. He’s still too cold. He feels on edge and jittery. But Magna’s not angry at him. He’s probably not thinking clearly. 

“Magna’s worried,” Luck explains. “He needs a good fight to get it out of his system.”

“Am not. And I do not need to fight.”

“You can’t fight Finral. He’d be no good just now.”

Finral can’t help but agree.

Luck hums under his breath and stares out the window.

“It’s not your fault, Magna. I should have told you when they took my kit.”

“Yeah, well you should have. But we can argue about it later. And it doesn’t make a difference. We’d still be in the same position. Do you think you can eat something?”

“No. Don’t make...” Finral has to take a deep breath to steady himself. Magna isn’t making him eat. He’s asking. God, he hates feeling so on edge. “No. Nausea is pretty bad. I’m pretty sure I’ll throw it up.”

“Can you take more tea? It’s cold, but you’ve been sleeping for more than twelve hours.”

He manages a little more to drink before Magna takes the mug back. 

“How do you feel? Do you think you need to sleep again?”

“I’m not so sore. That’s good, right? But yeah, nausea, on edge. Jittery. Don’t know if that seizure or withdrawal. I don’t think I could sleep. I could watch for a bit.”

Magna and Luck share a glance. It’s Magna who says, “You can help. But if you blank out and we miss something...”

“Luck said he knows when it happens. He can keep an eye on me. I want off the floor.”

Magna nods and stands first so that he can assist. Finral’s embarrassed by how much he needs it, but in the list of embarrassing things in the past couple of days it is almost nothing so he lets it go. His balance is shot and his legs feel like jelly. No, he thinks. His right leg feels like jelly. The left feels like it belongs to someone else. He stumbles as it gives way under him. He’d have been on the ground if Magna hadn’t caught him.

God, he hates this.

But Magna doesn’t comment as he deposits Finral at the window. He’s shivering again despite the warmth of the sun, so he gets wrapped in the blankets and doesn’t object. Luck slots back in beside him.

The view out of the window has changed. They moved while he was asleep, but it wasn’t far. They can still see where the signal will come from. If not, they’d have put Luck on the task as their mana detector.

There are trees as far as the eye can see. They act as cover for the gathering mages. Finral wonders again what’s causing the delay. There are still skirmishes throughout the region and they had factored in a week for the mission. But they thought that Yami and his squad would be ready as soon as Finral, Magna and Luck were captured. It’s a worry, but there isn’t anything to be done at the moment. All he can do is keep watch.

He’s not beside the window when he comes back to awareness. He hadn’t even noticed that he’d lost it. He hears Luck say, “He’s back, Magna.”

Finral is about to ask what happened, when Magna says, “Finral. We’re in the Spade garrison. Still. It’s me and Luck here. You’ve been out for ages.”

“More than an hour,” Luck says. 

That might explain why he’s so stiff. “Did I…” he starts to say, but he can’t quite finish the question.

“You just weren’t here. No big seizure or anything. You got agitated when Luck moved, so I brought you to sit here and you’ve been calm again. You’re still cold.”

Finral lays his head back against the stone wall. “I hate this,” he says. “I hate this feeling. I want to go home.” There’s a headache building, but he thinks it’s stress and nothing to do with seizures and withdrawals.

“We can,” Magna says. “Yami’ll understand.”

Finral snorts. “Yami’ll be pissed. You know he will be.”

There is another of the silences that Finral knows are Magna and Luck communicating without speaking. Who knew that constant brawling could lead to the level of understanding they have. Finral’s a bit in awe.

Magna says, “Finral. You’re sick. I don’t know if you can even make a portal.”

“I can,” Finral says. Despite the fuzz in his head, he can still feel the mana and his markers. He reaches for the one that he’s going to open when they get the signal. It’s there, as loud as it should be.

“And if you do make one, how long you can keep it open,” Magna continues as though he hasn’t been interrupted. “They’re getting longer and we can’t wake you up. What happens if you're out when the signal comes?”

“Then they have to wait until I wake up.”

Luck says. “What happens if you don’t wake up?”

Magna says, “Luck. We said…”

“He needs to answer,” Luck says, full of defiance. “If he can’t answer, we call off and go to the infirmary and talk to Owen. Owen will deal with Yami.”

If anyone can deal with Yami, it’s Owen. Finral lets himself consider the possibility. The thought of going somewhere warm, with a bed and medication that can give him back his equilibrium is almost irresistible. He hates this feeling. Magna is right. He’s barely functioning and it’s going to get worse. He lost three days before he fell in the bath years ago. The injured bit of his brain kept misfiring until he nearly drowned himself. If it hadn’t been the bath, how long could it have gone on for. How long until he didn’t wake up?

Shit. He doesn’t need to think about this. Magna puts an arm around his shoulder and pulls him in tight. “Yami would kill us if something happened to you.”

“He hates using brooms.”

“Fuck, Finral. He would kill us because it’s you. You know that, don’t you? God, you’re an idiot. Right. Have we agreed? You get us out of here before it’s too late.”

“No. I told you I can do this.”

“Finral. You can’t sit up straight, never mind stand. You need to see Owen and…”

“Guys,” Luck interrupts. “I think that’s the signal.”

Magna releases Finral from his hold and goes to check the window too. It’s a good thing that Finral’s got the wall to lean against or he’d have fallen over. 

There’s no way Luck could have mistaken the plume of dark smoke, and the flicker of mana is Yami’s dark magic. If Finral can feel it in this state, it must blaze like a beacon to Luck.

“Okay, Finral. You said you could do this.”

“Yeah, I can. Help me up.”

Magna offers him an arm and he pulls himself up to stand. He’s wobbly as hell, and the left leg still feels absent. He keeps his weight balanced against Magna.

He knows he said he could do this. He can feel the marker. But he's more tired than he thought possible. Magna must feel him sag because he says, “Finral.” 

“You need to tell them to be fast,” he says. “I’m not going to be able to hold it open long.” 

Not long at all.

He pulls on the mana and opens the portal on the other side of the cell’s bars.

Yami is the first one through. Finral would be glad to see him but he can’t think of anything other than maintaining the portal. He can hear people speaking. Magna, Yami maybe. He thinks that perhaps Yami looks at him, but it’s all secondary to the magic. He needs to hold it open until the team gets through. 

It could be hours or days or forever. There are blurred shapes in front of him. He can sense movement and voices, but nothing is clear. Just the portal. Keep the portal open. It fizzes and crackles and he can feel it waver once but he pulls it back with a sickening lurch. He might be on his knees. He can’t tell. Can’t think. Needs to keep the portal open. 

He can feel dark magic. It’s clear and bright against the wavering of his own magic. He can’t let it drop yet. They aren’t through. He told Magna he could do this. He can do this.

There’s a face in front of his. Yami. And he’s yelling so Finral can hear him over the noise of the portal and the rushing of the blood inside his ears. 

“You did it, Finral. Let it go.”

He has no idea what Yami’s saying. He can feel Magna and Luck at his sides. Can see Yami so close that he’s only eyes and yelling. 

“Finral. Close the damn thing,” Yami shouts.

He isn’t sure if he’s doing what he’s told or if he just can’t hold it open any longer. His form drops. He feels the portal close. He thinks it’s a shame, because this Magic Knight stuff was sort of fun, and he’s going to miss it. Then nothing.


	2. Chapter 2

The noise of the sunlight is the first thing Finral is aware of when he wakes. It sings through the large window and into the room where it dances everywhere. He can hear it twinkle against the walls.

It smells like the infirmary. He recognises cleaning fluids and baked bread and an undercurrent of blood that should make him worried but can’t. 

Shit. They’ve played with his medication again. He feels tingly, as though small bubbles are bursting across all his nerves. It’s hard to decide if he likes it or not because damn, the sunlight is loud.

Someone says something. He looks for the person speaking, but space is all wrong and he can’t find the end of the room, never mind a person. Who? He can’t tell. Everything’s been distorted by the noise the light is making.

They’re speaking again. He follows the trail the words make and he finds a person. At least he thinks it's a person but everything is so long and weird and wrong that he can't be sure. 

“Finral,” the person says again. 

He sees the words and recognises Yami. Okay. Fine. It’s Yami. This place smells like the infirmary and Yami’s words look like the sound of his voice, so he’s safe. Safe and… something. He’s definitely something. 

Owen’s there. Finral can hear and see his voice as he says something. 

Finral thinks he manages to say Yami’s name. Maybe.

“Back with us again?” 

Hmm. Tough question. He tries to answer, ‘Yeah. Sure,” but it comes out as a muddle of sounds that even though he sees them means nothing. He puts out a hand to try to reach across the chasm. Yami grabs it, from somewhere a hundred miles away. 

He tries to ask, ‘Where’s Magna and Luck?” but he isn’t sure he makes a sound. 

Either it’s clearer than he thinks it is, or Yami knows him well enough to know what he’s asking. “Magna and Luck are fine. You scared them. But they’re both okay.”

Finral wants to see. He tries to ask, but if there are words he doesn’t think they are real ones.

Yami sighs. “They’re getting some sleep.”

There are lights flickering in the corner of the room. He wonders why Yami isn’t reacting to them.

“You seeing stuff?” Yami asks.

He doesn’t answer. The sunlight is too loud and those flickering lights are getting bigger. 

“Last time you were like this you talked a lot more.”

Finral is watching the lights. They’re like shimmers and they are so loud. They’re getting louder and in the way of Yami and Owen’s faces. He tries to pull his hands to his ears, but the left is ignoring him and the right is still being held. 

Yami must guess what he’s trying to do, because he releases the right hand and guides it to Finral’s ears. There is something stuck to his hand and he panics for a second because he can’t get it off, even when he rubs it against the pillow. Something is stuck and…

“Leave that,” Yami says and grips his hand again. “It’s saving you from a pile of needles so leave it alone.”

But it's stuck. Finral needs it off his hand. It's stuck and it's… it's…

“Finral. Leave it alone.”

But the words didn’t make any sense. Finral can't even remember what's so important before he loses it.

\--

Someone says, “Is it going to work this time?”

An answer. “I hope so. It should take a moment for the sedation to wear off. We’re using different combination…”

He doesn’t even get a chance to work out who is speaking before it is stolen away from him.

\--

“...reversed it… combination of three… going to hold things for a bit…”

“... and see… never worked…”

Pause. No talking. Waiting.

“Longest it’s been.”

“... still partial seizures… not generalising… best we can hope for.”

Another pause. Longer. 

“Can he hear us?”

“... likely… no harm… keep talking…”

More words. Calm words. Stay here still words.

Later. 

“Should get some rest Yami… will call…have someone watch him…”

“... maybe…”

Words stop.

\--

Time passes. 

\--

“You left him on his own? What the fuck have you done?”

The voice is so loud that it breaks into wherever Finral’s thoughts have retreated. 

He’s in Ayre. He’s trapped and his hands are tied and Barat is holding him up and he can’t get away. The moment is trapped and he can’t move can’t move can’t move. No matter how much he pulls at the rope he can’t get it loose. 

Was that what happened? Is this real, or now or in the past or…

Get the rope off. Get away. Barat’s hand is around his neck. He’s going to…

“Get them off him.”

“You’ll have to wait here, sir. It’s for his own good. He was getting out of bed and removing medical equipment.”

“Shit. He’s hurting himself. Can’t you see. Take them off.”

“This is most irregular….”

The rope. The rope. If he can get it off he can make a portal. He can save Yami. But it won’t come off. Barat’s going to throw him into the wall and he can’t get away. Nothing is working. Yami needs him. Yami’s unconscious. He’s under the spell and can’t get away….

“Move out of my way or I will move you. Look at him.”

“But….” A pause. A whispered, “Oh, shit.”

“I told you. Go and get Owen. Now."

There are hands on the ropes. His panic swells. Someones going to… They’re going to…

The hands are heavy and calloused. Someone is speaking but he can’t hear because Barat is going to take him and there’s a hand around his neck and…

“I know you can’t always hear me when you’re like this. But I’m going to take these off now and I need you to not pull out the tubes, okay.”

Yami. It’s Yami.

Yami, Yami, Yami. 

The ropes. The ropes, Yami. Please…

The strong hands are pulling at the ropes, tugging. Cutting. Finral pulls and pulls and rips. 

“Kid. Stop fighting. I’m doing it. You aren’t having a seizure are you? You’re there.”

Get them off.

“One’s off. Just hold still and let me get the other one. Shit. You’ve made a real mess. There’s a lot of blood.”

Get it off. Get it off. 

“Finral. Stop fighting. You’re making it worse.”

Fingers around the ropes. 

It hurts. He can hear crying. It’s him. He’s crying. He needs the rope off.

“There. It’s off. Shh.”

Yami.

“Come on. Let’s see you,”

And nothing.

\--

“My god. What happened?” The voice is tense and frightened.

“Some fuckwit never read the notes. Why would anyone think that restraints were a good idea for someone having near constant seizures?”

“The blood…”

“They’re going to bring fresh sheets and things in a minute. I’d say it looks worse than it is, but that’s not true. He’s done a lot of damage. If it helps, I don’t think he’s in pain.”

“But why?”

“He was on his own. He wandered the base looking for someone when he was like this the first time. Owen thinks he panicked because there was no one here and he was trying to escape. He’s got… issues with being tied around the wrists.”

There is silence. 

“What do you mean, the first time?”

“The first time. When it started.”

“When what started? What do you mean? This has happened before?”

“I told you at the time." There is a sigh. It’s Yami sighing. He sounds frustrated, Finral thinks. Is he frustrated at Finral? Sometimes it's hard to tell. He tries to open his eyes, but everything feels heavy and warm and he can’t get his body to respond.

“Kid...”

“I’m the vice Captain of the Golden Dawn.”

“Kid. This isn’t my story to tell you. You need to speak to your brother and he can decide what he wants you to know. Me, I’d tell you to sod off.”

“I was the only one would could have come to get you.”

“And I’d have expected you to come for anyone. Cause you're a magic knight. I can tell you the same thing I told you then. He was attacked in Ayre when he was sixteen. You remember now?”

There is no answer.

“You remember me saying fractured skull, bleeding in the brain, we might lose him? Not sure if he’s going to completely recover?”

There is a pause, then the scrambling of furniture, as Yami says, “Fuck, Langris. Sit down. Shit.”

Finral thinks this should make more sense than it does. 

There are noises of breathing and shifting furniture again before Yami says. “Right, not going to pass out?”

The other voice says, “From then? I was fifteen.”

“Yes. From then.”

“It’s been happening for five years?”

“He has meds to take that stops them. Worked pretty well as far as I could see, but it’s not like he talks about it much. Owen knows more, maybe Vanessa if anyone. Henry always knew when he had one if he was in the hideout.”

“I need to know what happened.”

“Well, you don’t. Like I said, not my place to tell.”

“I’ll ask Vanessa. Owen.”

“You should ask Finral.”

“But… but he can’t answer. Owen doesn’t know if... ”

“Owen fixed it last time. They’ll fix it this time too. We’ve got to be patient Mr Vice Captain.”

There is a pause. Langris, Finral realises. Yami’s talking to Langris. Langris is there and he’s upset. Somethings wrong with Langris…

Yami says, “Finral?” It’s a question. 

Finral can’t answer. He’s trapped somewhere in the darkness and he can’t move and he can’t open his eyes and he needs to help Langris and…

“Finral. You’re listening aren’t you. Calm down. Your ki is all over the place. God damn. Langris is here. He’s fine and he’s here.”

Why is Langris there? 

“Ah, shit. I’ll tell him what happened.”

“Yami? What’s wrong?” Langris snaps. The panic in his voice does nothing to calm Finral’s heart rate. What’s wrong? Why is Langris upset? Why is Yami upset with him? Finral needs to protect him.

“Give me your hand.”

Langris sounds like he’s trying to object, but Yami doesn’t sound in the mood to argue.

“Now Langris.” 

It’s still dark. Finral can’t see, doesn’t even know if his body belongs to him any more, but then there is a hand on top of his and it’s cool and heavy.

“Finral. Langris is here. Now calm down. I’m not going to kill you in this state, but I’m going to make your life very difficult when you wake up if you don’t chill the fuck out. Langris is here. Magna and Luck are next door. I think Vanessa might be in the infirmary somewhere, and Owen’s going to be back in a minute. They’re okay.”

Finral wants to ask what happened. Why can’t he answer? Why can’t he open his eyes?

Yami answers the question he can’t ask. “You’re on massive doses of Owen’s strongest drugs. The old ones weren’t stopping the seizures the way they used to. Owen said something to do with how long you were out and doing magic in that state. The new ones are going to cause side effects. So stay calm. I’m going to leave you with Langris and fetch Owen. When I come back, I’ll explain it all to him. Langris. Don’t let him touch the tubes.”

“How do you know…” Langris starts to say.

Finral puts all his effort into moving against Langris’s hand. 

Langris stops talking and squeezes Finral’s hand. “Idiot,” he says after a moment.

The door opens.

Yami says, “Kid. Speak to him.”

The door closes.

“I’m not a kid. I’m Vice Captain of the Golden Dawn,” Langris mutters. Then, “Not sure what I’m meant to say to you…”

The darkness swallows Finral up before he can hear anything else.

\--

The next time he wakes it’s with something burning his arm as if hot oil's being poured across it. He tries to pull away but he hasn’t got the strength to resist. He whines instead. 

Someone says, “Just a second, Finral. It’s nearly finished.”

He’s trying to pull his arm away from the burning, but he’s clumsy. Something holds him. He panics. He needs to get away. 

“Magna. Hold him still.”

Heavy warm hands hold him down and he needs to get out. Langris… his squad….

“Finral. You’re in the infirmary. It’s Magna. Owen’s here. Luck’s going to be back in a minute.”

Magna? It’s Magna. Magna’s safe. Owen. Where’s Luck? Yami? Langris? 

It’s painful. Something is trying to rip the skin off his arm. 

A soft cloth dabs against his face. Blotting away tears. “When?” he manages to ask. God his throat feels awful. 

It takes a moment for Magna to answer. “A few days, Finral. You’re in the infirmary. Owen’s nearly done.”

“Hur’s Magna.”

“Yeah. I know. Shh. Oh, hey. Luck’s back.”

Finral tries to turn towards Luck’s voice as he says, “Hi Finral.” But his muscles are sore and weak and he can’t move. But then Luck’s staticky hand is alongside Magna’s. 

“I’m done,” Owen says. “That side is finished.”

Finral pulls his burning arm into his body. That thing is still stuck to his hand and knocks against his chest. It sends a sharp spike of pain up his arm and he is about to try pulling it off again when Magna’s hands cover his. “Owen says you’ve got to leave that.”

“Hur’s.”

“You’ve got to leave it alone.”

“Sorry. Sorry Magna. ‘S my fault.”

“You’re an idiot. Lie still.”

“Wha’s happening. Magna. Don’ un’erstand.”

“Shh. It’s okay. Owen’s given you medication..”

“How long? I nee’ to know how long.”

“Breathe, Finral.”

He breathes. It’s the clearest he’s felt in what seems like forever. It’s Magna. Owen’s done something. He’s in the infirmary. He can’t remember what happened. 

“Tell me.”

“Shh. Let Owen finish and I’ll tell you everything you need to know.”

Something happens to Finral’s other wrist and it sears with pain worse than before. Owen speaks, but the words are drowned out by agony. 

Magna says, “He’s changing the bandages. It won’t take long.”

It seems to take forever. The left wrist was bad, but the right makes the world dissolve into white agony. It's a burning, scalding pain that sends his nerves into overdrive. Something wipes the wetness off his cheeks again but the pain continues. 

There’s another hand on his arm. It tingles with static, so it has to be Luck. If he focuses on the static, Owen’s torturing doesn’t feel as bad.

Then it’s done. He sinks back towards Magna and tries to breathe. He lifts a hand to his face and comes up against something unexpected. Sometimes on his face and it’s stuck. His fingers are clumsy as he tries to remove it.

Magna’s warm hands are over his again. “Finral. Leave it alone. You have to leave them all.”

Finral lets his hand be guided back. 

“You said you’d tell me. I’m missin’ time.”

Magna pats the hand that he moved. “What do you remember?”

“You looked after me. Never told you.”

“That’s okay. We dealt with that. You told us everything. Do you know where you are?”

“A’ways know. Infi’mary. Smells funny.”

There is a snort of laughter from someone else. He guesses Owen or Luck, but he’s not sure who is in the room. He tries to move to see who is there, but his body is made of lead. He doesn’t have any energy to move.

“It’s only Owen and Luck.”

“Where’s…”

Now it’s Magna who laughs. “You always ask that. Who are you looking for?”

“Yami. Langris was here. Vanessa....”

“Yami’s in a room here somewhere. Owen drugged him so he would go to sleep. Vanessa’s at the base. She’ll be back soon. Langris appears whenever he wants.”

“Why? Wha' happened?” Finral feels his words slur. Shit. He’s only been awake for a couple of minutes, but already sleep is pulling him back.

“Do you remember the garrison?”

“They took my meds. You looked after me. Nee’ to stay awake.”

“Go to sleep Finral. Owen says it’s the quickest way to get better.”

“Wanna know. Why?”

“I can tell you, but you’re going to fall asleep again. It’s okay. Someone’s always going to be here. We won’t leave you.”

Finral is asleep before Magna can say anything else. 

\--

“Have a good sleep, boss?” The voice is quiet and familiar. “He was awake. Properly awake. Asking where everyone was. He wanted to know what had happened. Then he fell asleep. Owen said it was to be expected. Changing the dressings hurt.”

“Did he try to pull any of the tubes out again?”

“Only a little. Not like before. He was more with it.”

“Thanks Magna, Luck.”

“Owen says he’ll be round soon. He thinks the new stuff is working better.”

There are noises of doors and furniture. Then Yami says, “Are you listening?”

Finral tries to answer. He’s not sure if he makes a sound, or if Yami is reading his ki.

“Everyone’s okay. They cleared out the garrison before we got you out of there. You did a good job, but if you ever do that again, I won’t need to kill you because you’ll have Magna, Luck and Langris after you. Vanessa too. Henry probably. Hell, I think you even scared Fuegoleon.”

“S’rry.”

“Stop saying that. Just don’t do it again.”

“Don’ r’meber.”

He hates feeling like this. He wants to know what happened, and he wants to stay awake for five minutes for Yami to tell him. Is that too much to ask? There’s something itching at the back of his hand. He tries to rub it against the side of the bed to dislodge it. Yami’s hand covers his. “Stop that. You need to leave it alone.”

“Wha’s it? Don’ like it.”

“I know you don’t like it. But you have to leave them there. Same with the one at your nose.” 

Finral tries to lift his hand to find what Yami’s talking about, but Yami holds him still. 

“Owen and Aralt put them there so they can look after you. You’ve been out for more than a week. You’ve been really sick.”

More than a week. Finral tries to put this together with what his brain is struggling to remember. It can’t be a week. He was just there. He was with Magna and Luck. He made a portal. There can't be that many days between then and now. He remembers fragments. Langris was there. There was something on his wrist.

“Owen’s going to hit me if you panic.”

“Tell me.”

Yami leans back in his chair. It’s a comfortable chair, not like the usual infirmary ones with their hard wooden backs. 

“You were with Magna and Luck in a garrison in the forbidden magic zone.”

“They took my meds.”

“Yes. It took us six days to clear some of their outriders, by which time you were in a real state. Magna and Luck wanted to abort, but you said you could make a portal to get us there and complete the mission. And you did, but shit. You nearly killed yourself.”

“Don’t remember.”

“Well, no fucking wonder. You had a massive seizure as soon as you dropped the portal. And it didn’t stop. Langris brought Owen and another spatial mage with that funky ‘find Finral’ portal that he does, but it took about half an hour for him to get there. By which time you looked like you were dead and Owen had that frowny face he does when you disappoint him by doing something stupid. You still awake?”

“Yeah.” 

“The other mages cleared out the garrison in less time than it took to get you out of there. You were the only one hurt. We got to the infirmary and Owen tried knocking you out to stop the seizures. It didn’t work. He did it twice and it didn’t work. Every time he woke you back up, you were seizing again within five minutes.”

Finral doesn’t answer. Yami sounds distant. 

“He thinks you might have damaged something either because you were out so long before we could get the seizure to stop, or because you used magic when you were vulnerable to it. He’s not sure. But you were a mess. He didn’t know if you were going to wake up.”

Finral feels a wave of fear wash over him. It’s Yami’s fear, he realises. “I could have died?”

“Again. Like five years ago. I wish you’d stop it. Owen’s tried you on three different combinations of drugs, and this is the most awake you’ve been. You’ve had some pretty horrific side effects.”

“I could hear you. You were talking to Langris. I couldn’t move.”

“Yeah. Like that.” There is something about the way that Yami says it that makes Finral think that might not have been the worst. “You nearly gave him a heart attack.”

“I scared him. He was angry. Did you tell him what happened? I didn’t tell Magna and Luck until it was too late.”

“I told him. Sorry, but they all know. They’ve pretty much all been through here while you were sleeping, or having a seizure or freaking out. We couldn’t leave you on your own, and you were always calmest when it was one us.”

“Should’ve told them.”

“Maybe we should have. But no-one’s angry Finral. Well, except for Langris, and that’s because he’s always angry. He’s not angry at you.”

“Who’s he angry at?”

“He’s angry at himself. He knew you were hurt in Ayre. I told him what happened. William tried to get him to come see you, but he wouldn’t. He hasn’t thought about it for years. Look, I hate to be the one to say this, but go gentle with him. He’s not taking this well.”

“What’s wrong with him?” If Finral had been able he would have tried to pull himself out of bed. Yami’s hand is heavy on his. 

“Stay still. He’ll come to you. He’s had a fright, Finral. I think he thought you were invincible. Or too much of a coward to get yourself hurt like this. He’ll be better once he can talk to you properly.”

Finral is aware enough to notice that Yami said a considerate thing. Even stranger, it's a considerate thing about Langris. “I heard that right, didn’t I? Are you sure I’m not dead?”

“Owen says I’m not allowed to hit you on the head for another year. I might disobey if you say anything like that again.”

“Sure Yami. You waited a whole year last time.” He had waited until the exact day. Vanessa had counted.

He yawns and squirms under the blanket. He’s cold. Not like the cold in the garrison, which he’s sure must have been withdrawals the way it ate into his bones. He knocks the bulky bandages around his wrist. The right is held stiff in a splint.

He starts to ask what happened to his wrists, but a yawn overtakes him again, and he manages, “Wha’ happened to…” 

“You going to stay awake.”

“Sure.”

But he doesn’t even catch the beginning of Yami’s explanation.

\--

He hates falling asleep in the middle of conversations. It’s dark when he wakes and someone is doing something near his face. He panics and tries to pull away even before he opens his eyes.

There is a short indignant squawk from whoever it is and then Vanessa is saying, “Finral. It’s okay. Let him finish.”

Shit. Shit. Finral opens his eyes and it’s Aralt and he can’t help squealing. Aralt’s going to follow through on all those threats over the years. He’s going to put Finral out of his misery and...

Aralt throws up his hands and says, “This isn’t going to work. I’ll get Owen.”

“He doesn’t like you when you're awake,” Vanessa says.

“He doesn’t like anyone when they’re awake,” Finral replies when he’s caught his breath. He doesn’t move away from the corner of the bed. 

Vanessa squeals herself. She climbs onto the bed and gathers Finral into her arms and hugs him so tightly that he can’t breathe again.

“Finral,” she says. “I didn’t believe Magna.”

“Didn’t believe what?”

“That you were back.”

He pats her awkwardly on the back. It’s his left hand that’s free and he realises how clumsy and heavy it feels. It’s more than the bandages. “Sorry.”

She punches his arm without releasing him. “Don’t do that again. Ever.”

“Yeah. I won’t.”

Her cheeks are wet when she pulls back from him eventually. Vanessa never cries. Finral’s the crier, he’s accepted that, so the sight of her face damp with tears tips him over and he feels his own eyes become wet. “Sorry,” he whispers. All the things that Yami had explained feel more real now that they’ve made Vanessa cry. 

“We were worried. You were so sick. Owen said…”

She buries her head into his shoulder. He hugs her again. As he does the thing on his hand catches and he remembers there’s something on his face. He raises his hand to try to feel whatever it is, but Vanessa puts her hand over his and says, “Leave it, Finral.”

“What is it?”

She giggles and pulls herself up to sit beside him. Finral leans into her warmth and sighs. It could almost feel ordinary, if it wasn’t for the bandages around his wrists and the things that everyone keeps telling him to leave alone. And the way his brain keeps shutting out.

“You’ve never asked that before. We’ve spent more than a week telling you to leave them alone and you’ve never asked what they are.”

“I don’t remember,” he says. “What happened?”

“Owen can explain better. Medical things that they’re using to keep you alive, but you seem to spend all your energy trying to remove.”

“I don’t understand, Vanessa.”

“Give me your hands.” She holds them gently and now Finral can see that there’s something stuck on the back of each hand. “Aralt invented them. They are little tubes that go into your vein so that they don’t have to use a needle each time. Owen’s using them to give you his new clever cocktail of drugs.”

Gently, Finral touches one with his fingertips. It’s cool, and makes his skin tug. He resists the itchy sensation that makes him want to claw it out. Just as carefully he lifts his hand to his face and feels a thin tube stuck to his skin and going into his nose. Well shit.

His fingers twitch involuntarily, and Vanessa grabs his hand. “Honest, please Finral. Leave it alone.”

“But…”

He can feel the agitation building. Vanessa doesn’t understand what this is like. He hates these things, has told Owen and Aralt and all the other recovery mages how much he hates them. He wants these things out of his body and he wants to…

Owen opens the door. 

“Take it out Owen, please,” he pleads. His vision blurs with tears again, and Vanessa’s got strong hands on his. But all he wants is for Owen to take all these things away. He’ll be good. He promises. He’ll do what they say.

“Shh,” Vanessa says. “We know. It’ll be okay. Be calm, and Owen will tell you what’s been happening.”

Maybe he’s speaking out loud, or maybe he’s thinking. It isn’t clear. He’s trapped in it. He struggles against Vanessa, then against other hands too. Someone else. He tries to tell them to let him go. He fights against them. Voices. He wants them…

\--

It’s still dark when he feels himself surfacing again. It’s so sluggish. Someone’s doing something at his face again and he panics. “I’m done Finral. It’s finished.” It’s Owen and Finral tries to slow his breathing. Owen’s taken his hands away and Vanessa’s still there. 

He hates losing time like this because he never has any sense of how long has passed. It could be five minutes or five days or anything in between. He’s experienced both. “How long?” he tries to ask. He wishes he could get them all to tell him without asking. How did Magna know to do that?

“Ten minutes,” Owen says. 

“Who… Where?”

“Me and Vanessa.” 

“Yami? Magna and Luck were here?”

“Yami’s next door. Magna and Luck are around.”

Finral sinks back into the bed. He’s tired, but not like the big seizures. A little one then. He can live with that. 

Vanessa says, “You wanted Owen to explain what had been happening.”

He tries to put his hand to his face again, but Vanessa’s hand is too quick. She holds his hand in hers. He’s getting a bad feeling about how he’s acted during the days he can’t remember. “It’s one of Aralt’s feeding tube things, isn’t it?” he asks Owen. 

“Yes. It’s connected up at the moment, so leave it alone.”

“Don’t like them.”

“I know. But you need it a bit longer.” 

Finral fidgets against the things attached to his hand. There’s a tightness in Vanessa’s face as she watches him. Owen’s expression has slipped from his normal poker face. He looks worried.

“Are you going to tell me what happened? Why are you both looking at me like that?”

Vanessa’s gaze flicks to the bandages on his wrist and Finral has a sick feeling that’s not caused by Aralt’s feeding tube.

“You’re going to have to tell me.”

Vanessa climbs back onto the bed again so that she’s sitting beside him. That’s not reassuring. He feels his breathing speed up and his heart rate is increasing. It would be better if they just told him.

Owen says, “You need the tubes, but when you arrived you were confused and upset. You couldn’t leave them alone. You pulled them out a few times. One of the medical team used restraints to keep you away from them so you wouldn’t cause more damage.”

Finral’s memory flickers to something around his wrists. It’s confusing though. He can’t untangle if it’s the rope that Yami used back in Ayre, or straps on the side of the bed. Or another rope from long ago. 

The memory overwhelms him for a moment and he’s lost in the sensation of something around his wrists and the looming presence above him. He can’t get away, can’t get out and the voices he can hear are lost in the rush of fear. He pushes away the hands near him. They’re going to tie him up again. He’s going to be trapped. Barat. The rope. 

His breathing is too fast. His heart is racing. He tries to get away, but there is something holding him. Someone holding him. Doors open and close. Footsteps.

There’s a shock of electricity on his arm. It centres him in the way that only it, and Yami’s voice, ever have. He’s trembling so badly that he can’t focus, but there’s only one person who could be responsible. “Luck,” he whispers. 

“Hi Finral,” Luck says. “I wouldn’t do that if you were having a seizure. I can tell now.”

“Where were you? You weren’t here.”

Vanessa says, “Where do you think we’d be staying when you needed us, idiot. I told you Magna and Luck were here.”

"Luck was scaring the nurses in the staff room," Magna says.

Finral rubs the tingling electrical burn. It stings. 

“I remember the things on my wrists,” he whispers to Owen. He’s beginning to work out why there are bandages. “Did I hurt myself?”

Owen nods. “You made more of a mess with the restraints that anyone here’s ever seen before. You’ve got a stress fracture of the right wrist, and the lacerations are nasty.”

Finral looks at the bandages and recalls how painful it was getting the dressings changed. 

“How did you stop me?” he asks. Because the fact that he still has two of those little vein things in his hands and the dreaded feeding tube means that they worked out a way to get him to keep them in without killing himself.

Vanessa is on the bed beside him. Luck climbs up the other side with Magna beside him. “You were calmer with one of us here. So we moved in,” Luck explains.

“You moved into the infirmary? Who?”

“Me, Magna, Vanessa, Yami, Gordon’s somewhere, Asta and Noelle. Someone stays with you all the time. Mostly you sleep, but sometimes it's a lot of telling you to leave stuff alone. You always listen, but you don’t always remember.”

It's probably the drugs making him feel overemotional. At least he hopes it is. But the idea that his squad have been here for days so they can tell him to stop pulling out Aralt’s stupid tubes makes him feel… overwhelmed. “You shouldn’t have,” he starts to say. “There would…” There are tears running down his face when Vanessa pulls him into a hug again.

“Idiot,” she says. “Where else were we going to be?”

“But it was my fault.”

He’s sobbing against her. She used to pull back from this. He remembers that when he was a teenager it was Yami and Gordon who would have done this. But they aren’t here, and Vanessa isn’t pulling away. Luck’s leaning against him and Magna’s warm hand is on his leg. He can’t do this to them again. He’s going to miss them.

“It wasn’t your fault. Stop that.”

“But…. But Magna wanted me to go home. He was right. I could have…”

“Shh. Owen, tell him.”

The tears are still flowing, but now Finral lifts his head from Vanessa’s shoulder. She’s been cautious not to disrupt the tubes that he’d forgotten. “Tell me what?”

“Once you ran out of medication, you probably only had forty eight hours to get yourself out of there. Beyond that, you could have made a portal like you did, but there was no way you could have held it open and managed to get through it.”

“But I felt okay after a couple of days. It took longer than that before I felt it building up.”

“It didn’t matter. The levels of the drug in your system crossed a threshold. When you made a portal, you were always going to have a seizure before you could get through. The magic triggered it off.”

Magna says, “If you’d done what I said we’d have either been trapped there with you having seizures and no way to get help, or... “ he pauses. “Or we’d have gone through your portal and left you there on your own.”

“You would have died,” Luck says. He is not smiling. 

“Completing the mission was the only way you could have survived once your medication was taken,” Owen says.

Finral sinks back into Vanessa’s hold again. She adjusts her arm so that the tubes are safe then pats his back gently. “You did good, kid. It’s okay.” It’s such a Yami-thing for her to say that Finral cries even more. 

He doesn’t hear the others leave. The tears have stopped and he’s nearly asleep when Vanessa shifts him down to lie on the bed. He is too tired to object, but he panics at the thought that she’s going to leave.

Instead she curls up beside him and keeps her hand resting on his arm. Finral falls asleep to the sound of her breathing. It’s okay, he thinks as he does.

\--

Finral wakes and the sun is shining through the window. He puts out a hand to where Vanessa was last night and the bed is empty. 

Stupid meds, he thinks as he feels the tears building up in his eyes again. Where did she go? Is he on his own?

A cool hand settles on his, and someone says, “Finral?”

When he opens his eyes, it’s Noelle’s hand on his. He can see Asta behind her. He panics. He’s their superior. He shouldn’t be lying here. He needs to…

“Finral, what are you doing?” Asta asks.

At the same time Noelle says, “Lie down, idiot.”

“What…” he starts to say. He might have tried to argue if his body hadn’t decided that his two juniors are right and he shouldn’t be getting up yet. “Yeah. Okay.”

Noelle releases his hand. Asta leans forward to look at him closely. “You’re properly awake, aren’t you? I can read your ki.”

“Umm. I think so?”

Noelle squeals and leans over and clumsily hugs him even though he’s still lying on the bed. Asta punches his arm and it hurts, but Finral can’t bring himself to complain. 

“We missed you. Don’t do that again. Ever,” Noelle says. 

“No. No, I don’t want to do that ever again,” Finral assures her. He’s done with feeling like this. 

Once Noelle releases him, it’s Asta’s turn. This time Finral gets a chance to push himself up on the pillows before he’s enveloped in Asta’s arms. 

“So, hi?” he says when Asta releases him.

“I didn’t believe Magna when he said you were awake. Like for real. You made people worry, Finral,” Noelle says. It’s such a mix of nagging and relief that Finral smiles. 

“Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I wasn’t worried, but Asta was.”

Asta looks bemused in the way he does when Noelle says something ridiculous. “But Noelle. You said...” he starts to say.

Noelle punches him in the arm. “I wasn’t worried, Asta,” she snaps. 

“It’s okay, guys,” Finral says. “Thanks for worrying… and not worrying.”

“You aren’t going to try to pull those things out of your hand again, are you?” Asta asks. Finral likes when Asta’s being blunt. This is the first time someone’s asked him. 

“No. I don’t think so. I don’t like them, but I don’t think I’m going to do that again.”

Asta flashes a grin that brightens the room. “Great. Because that was not fun to watch.”

“Yeah. I heard. Sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry. I told you,” Noelle says. She looks like she’s restraining herself from hitting him now. She’s got a lot of suppressed violence, Finral thinks. “You couldn’t help it. And we’re just glad that you’re better.”

“Thanks. You shouldn’t have had to do that.”

“You needed us. Where else would we be? Langris was right about you, you are an idiot.”

Langris again. Everyone keeps mentioning him. Noelle smiles. “He came earlier. He never stays long.”

“Even if we ask him to.”

“Especially if we ask him. He stays longer if we pretend he’s not there. He wouldn’t stay when you were upset.”

Yami had said that Langris wasn’t taking it well. Yami had also said Finral had to wait for Langris to come to him. He’s got a point. There is no way Finral can find him if he can’t even get off the bed.

Noelle says, “Owen says if you can drink something then he can take the tube out your nose. He left you something to try.”

She hands over a covered mug with a straw. Finral’s hands are shaking when he takes it from her. 

It’s hard to take the first sip and a wave of nausea washes over him that makes him close his eyes. Someone’s hand balances the mug for a moment, or he’s sure he’d have dropped it. His throat is raw and the constant awareness of the stupid tube is in his head. This would be easier if Owen would take the thing out and then make him drink.

Asta says, “Owen said that you have to drink first, because he’s not taking the tube out if there’s any chance that he’s going to have to ask Aralt to put it back in. Aralt doesn’t like you.”

Either Asta can read minds, or Finral’s being more transparent than usual.

The second mouthful is a little easier, and the third. The liquid soothes the pain and even though the nausea persists, it feels manageable. 

Until suddenly it isn’t. He has to close his eyes.

Someone takes the mug back. 

He opens his eyes. Noelle’s looking at him with undisguised concern, and Asta’s not much better. They’re good kids. He’s going to miss being their senior. They’re already amazing magic knights, and they keep getting better.

“Tastes okay,” he says, to reassure them. He must look as rotten as he feels though, because neither look reassured. 

He lies back against the pillow and squeezes his eyes shut again. 

“Finral,” Asta says as quietly as it’s possible for him to be, “are you okay?”

Well, no, Finral thinks. He’s still pretty far from okay. He could give Asta the list, but what’s the point. But he says, “Give me a minute. It’s fine.”

He doesn’t want to throw up. Asta and Noelle are talking between themselves, then the sound of the door opening, but Finral can’t hear anything over the sound of his own brain saying, don’t throw up, don’t throw up. He curls up around his knees

People come into the room, but he can only hear the footsteps. He doesn’t know how many. Two, three? He should be more interested but his whole body is rebelling against him. 

Owen’s voice says, “How do you feel?”

I feel great, Finral wants to say. What does it look like? But he can’t even summon the concentration for a snappish reply. “Gonna throw up,” is what he manages.

“It’s the medication, Finral. It’ll pass.”

But there’s a cool feeling running along his hand and when he cracks his eye open he can see Owen has a syringe attached to one of the things in his hand. He watches for a moment before he has to squeeze his eyes shut against the waves of nausea. It seems there is a point to those things after all.

Whatever was in the syringe takes a moment to work. The nausea doesn’t go away completely, but it settles into the background. These things normally make him drowsy, and this one is worse than normal. Probably because of all the other stuff that Owen has him on at the moment. He should find out the names of the drugs, but right now sleep is tugging him.

He can open his eyes though. That’s progress. His vision is swimming. He can see Owen, but it’s impossible to make out his expression. Asta and Noelle are still there. Someone pats his hand. “Sorry,” Finral whispers.

Noelle says, “Stop saying sorry. I told you. Go back to sleep.”

Someone else says, “What happened?” It sounds worried.

Asta answers, but Finral’s lost the words as he slips back to sleep. 

But he has time to think, ‘That was Langris’, before he’s gone.

\--

It's dark again. He’s losing days at this rate. How long has he been in the infirmary? Yami had said more than a week, but he’s pretty sure that there have been a few days since then. By the small lantern he can see he’s wearing new pyjamas again. He lifts a hand. The things stuck to them have moved. There’s one above the splint and another on the left hand. His skin feels raw around them. He lifts his hand to his face.

Of course another hand covers his and someone says, “Leave that alone.” The voice is patient and a little weary. 

“I’m checking if it's still there.”

There’s a bit of laugh, then Yami says. “It’s still there, idiot. You aren’t drinking anything. You want to die of dehydration? Leave it alone. It’s working.”

Finral sighs. So as if it's not bad enough that he’s still got the thing in, it's attached to something again. 

“Yami, I hate this.” He closes his eyes. “I want to go home.”

“I know, kid.”

Yami hasn’t called him kid for years. Some part of Finral wants to feel irritated, but another part recognises that he can’t stay awake for more than twenty minutes, someone is changing his clothes, he can’t eat or drink. He feels like a kid. 

“Want to get better.”

“You are. Owen’s taking some of the doses down. He thinks something happened with the combination of withdrawals, seizures and magic. He called it inflammation of the brain or something. Who knows. He tried to explain. He’ll explain to you too. But he thinks it’s healing up. Healing. It’s not healed yet. So you’ve got to be patient.”

“He thinks it’ll get better?”

“Yes. You know Owen, look on the bright side and all, but you’ve not tried to pull a tube out for a few days. You’ve only had a couple of little seizures that Luck can feel.”

There are tears leaking down Finral’s face, and Yami says, “Shit, Finral, you idiot. Of course it’s getting better. You were either unconscious or having seizures for more than a week. You’re talking to me like a real human. It’s getting better.”

“Doesn’t feel better.”

“That’s because you don’t remember. It’s getting better.”

Yami pulls him into a hug, but it’s shorter than Finral would have expected. “Come here, other idiot,” he says, and Finral has no idea what he’s talking about.

Until Langris says. “No. It’s okay.”

“It wasn’t a question.”

Yami puts out his hand and pulls Langris towards the bed. Finral can feel resistance, but it’s either half hearted, or Langris hasn’t got the strength to pull away. Yami slots Langris between him and Finral, then sits back to let Finral get his arms around his brother and hold on.

Langris has stiffened, but Finral doesn’t care. He doesn’t care if Langris wants to hug him or not, because damn. Finral needs to know he’s okay and this is the easiest way. 

Langris relaxes as soon as Yami moves further back. He puts his own arms around Finral. It’s unexpected and Finral almost startles. Langris has never done this before. There is a gasping noise that would be a sob if Finral had heard anyone else make it. 

It is a sob. 

Shit. Shit. Langris is crying. Finral pushes him back so he can look at him properly. There’s something wrong. Langris has tears running down his face. His eyes are red. He looks…

“Langris. What’s wrong? Are you okay? You look awful.”

Yami snorts in what might be a laugh, but Finral only has eyes for his brother.

Langris’s expression darkens. Now he’s crying and he’s furious at the same time. Maybe he’s broken. What’s wrong with him?

“I look awful?” Is what Langris finally snaps. “Have you looked in a mirror?”

“No. Not recently. No.”

“Well, the only reason I can say you don’t look dead is because I saw what you looked like last week. You looked dead then. Now you look mostly dead. I promise, you look worse than I do.”

“But…”

“Don’t you dare ‘but’ me. You are the most idiotic, foolish, ridiculous,” he struggles to find the right word, “person I have ever met. I look awful? You nearly died.”

Finral puts his hand up to run through his hair, but Langris and Yami both flinch. “I wasn’t going to touch it,” he tries to reassure them. He’d forgotten the tube was there. 

But now Langris is looking at the bandages around Finral’s wrists and his eyes are wide again. “Langris. I’m sorry…”

“Don’t,” Langris shouts. He backs away from Finral until he’s up against the wall. His breathing is fast and he looks ready to run. “Don’t apologise. Stop it. You… You idiot. You. Nearly. Died.”

“I know, and I’m sorry…”

“Finral,” Langris is still shouting. “Stop. That doesn’t help. You can’t say sorry and make it better. You can’t take it away.”

Yami puts a hand on Langris’s arm, and Langris jumps. He turns and begins fumbling for the door.

“Langris. Don’t go. I… I don’t know what to say.”

There are tears on Finral’s face now, but that’s okay. He’s a crier, he accepts that. But like Vanessa shouldn’t cry, neither should Langris. This is all wrong. He doesn’t know how to make this better. He can’t chase Langris. He can’t follow, and he has the feeling that once Langris gets out the door he’s never coming back. 

“Please. Stay,” Finral whispers. Langris’s hand pauses on the handle. 

“I can’t do this. You’ve got your squad and you…”

“Langris,” Finral pleads.

“Fucking hell,” Yami growls. He puts his foot in front of the door. “Sometimes you are as bad as each other. Langris. Go talk to him. Finral, stop saying sorry.”

Now that Langris has someone to fight that isn’t Finral his fury swells. But Yami doesn’t care. He puts his hands on Langris’s shoulders and turns him around so he’s facing Finral again.

Oh, god. Langris is going to kill Captain Yami.

But then something seems to break in Langris. Finral thinks he really must look terrible for his brother’s face to fall at the sight of him. “I thought you were going to die,” he whispers. 

If Langris isn’t going to come over here, then Finral is going to have to get to him, disobedient body or not. It takes more effort than it should to bring his legs out from under the blankets. The left leg is as bad as it was when he was sixteen. He’d forgotten how frustrating that had been. He’s shaking as he tries to get out the bed. Langris is only across the room. How hard can it be?

“What are you doing?” Langris panics. 

Yami says, “Get him to stay in bed. Now Langris.”

Finral’s ignoring them both, until Langris is back at the bed and shoving him down with more force than necessary. He’s in no condition to fight him off, so he lands back on the bed with a gasp of air. The tube in his nose tugs and for once someone else is going to get into trouble if it comes out. But it’s held on with properly sticky stuff, so no such luck.

“Don’t kill him,” Yami says. “Talk first. Then I might kill you both. I’m going for a cigarette outside this door. Don’t try to escape Langris.”

He takes the big chair with him. Once the door closes behind him, there are the sounds of the seat being positioned up against the handle.

Langris is looking at the window longingly. There is a tense silence.

“Owen’s going to get him in trouble if he lights a cigarette in the infirmary,” Finral says in an attempt to break the silence.

“You nearly died,” Langris says again. 

“Yeah. I’m…” Finral stops himself from saying sorry in time. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Yami said it was because of what happened when you were sixteen. When you didn’t come to my knight exam.”

Finral had forgotten that it had been Langris’s exam. “I should have come to the exam.”

“You were right not to. Mother and father were ready to… do what they always did. Father was angry that you weren’t there, but, it was a mission from the Wizard King.”

Finral feels the chill through his bones again. “Yeah. Look, I don’t remember much about it. I’ve pieced it together from Yami and Owen and Vanessa.”

“I asked Yami. He told me what happened in Ayre. Bits of it. I don’t think he told me everything, but it was his stuff he didn’t speak about. He told me all about you.” Langris swallows. “He tried to tell me then too.”

“I know why you didn’t come. It’s okay. Although I wouldn’t have remembered anyway.”

“Don’t joke. I think if I had, I might have been prepared for this…” He waves at Finral as if that is enough to explain the past week.

“Well. I was there the first time, and I don’t think I was prepared for this.” Finral thinks about the look on Vanessa’s face and the way Yami flinched when he put his hand near his face. “I don’t think it could have made it any easier.”

Langris nods. He’s looking at his hands. “Maybe if I’d known, though. It wouldn’t feel like… this.”

“I should have told you.”

There is a flash of anger, but Finral gets the feeling that it isn’t directed at him. “I should have asked, idiot. I forgot… pretended it never happened. Then when Yami called and said he needed Owen and a spatial mage. Because you were dying. You’re meant to be a coward. The pack mule. You are not...”

Langris stops talking. Finral knows he shouldn’t interrupt.

“You are not meant to be the one hurt. The one who nearly dies. You understand Finral. You can’t do offensive magic. You shouldn’t be... I always imagined that…” Langris is struggling to complete his sentence. He wipes his hand across his face. “You were meant to be safe. I always thought that I’d be the one risking my life and being in danger. And all this time, I didn’t even see that it happened when you were a kid. I never noticed.”

Shit. Langris is crying again. Finral needs more energy to face up to this. So, he does what he can manage. He grabs Langris’s hand and squeezes it tight.

“I am sorry,” Finral says.

Instead of disagreement, Langris whispers, “I think I might be too.”

They are silent for a moment. 

Finally, Finral says, “This is my fault though. I should have done something else about my meds. Or spoke to Magna and Luck, or… Or I should have given it up.”

Langris looks up. There’s something like horror on his face. “What do you mean?”

He shrugs. He hasn’t said this to anyone else, but it seems safest to speak to Langris first. He knows he’s going to have to persuade the bulls, but Langris has always known he was best as a pack mule. “This. This Magic Knight stuff. I nearly died because someone took my kit away. That’s pathetic. I put Magna and Luck in danger, the whole mission nearly fell apart, and I’ve caused trouble for everyone. I can tell by the way they look at me that it was awful. I… I think maybe father was right and this isn’t something I should do.”

Langris stares.

“I mean. Maybe if it wasn’t for the fact that I can’t do without pills twice a day, maybe I could be a Magic Knight. But I don’t think Owen’s going to be happy if this ever happens again. And I don’t want to disappoint him. The infirmary always needs spatial mages, and I could do that, so I wouldn’t be useless. But I’m not sure that it’s sensible for me to be doing the Magic Knight thing. I probably shouldn’t have been doing it anyway, like father said.”

This time when he runs his fingers through his hair, Langris’s expression doesn’t change. He’s still staring.

Finral was expecting some kind of response. He’s not sure quite what to make of the silence. 

“I should have probably quit the last time. But, well, you know me. And it was scary and horrible, but sometimes I had good fun. It’s probably best for everyone if I find something to do that isn’t the Bulls.”

“Have you… Have you said this to anyone else?” Langris asks. His voice is very quiet.

“No.” Finral lies back on the pillow.

“So why are you telling me?” 

“Because, I thought you’d agree?” Finral didn’t mean for it to be a question, but there is something tight in Langris’s expression that makes Finral think that it might not be as simple as he thought.

He’s not sure if his brother does agree. 

Langris takes a breath. “What do you want to do?”

“I want to go home and stay awake for longer than twenty minutes. Maybe have a cup of tea. Get rid of these things.”

Langris tuts. “Do you want to give up the Bulls?”

“I don’t think I can be a Magic Knight. They aren’t going to want me back. How can I after everyone saw that?”

“None of your squad thinks that.” 

Now it’s Finral’s turn to stare at Langris.

“You are an idiot. I don’t know why you’re talking to me about this. Your squad have been here for more than a week. They’ve watched you seize, they’ve held you still while you were so out of it that you screamed. They’ve calmed you down, they’ve cleaned up your blood. They moved into the infirmary because you needed them. I think Yami only sleeps if Owen slips things into his food. And not one of them has said that they don’t think you should be a Magic Knight.”

Tears are building in Finral’s eyes again. 

“You never told anyone. You were managing it on your own, and you kept this from being a problem for five years. Did you ever think, brother, what you could actually do if you had your team to back you up?”

“Langris?”

“They’re willing to spend four hour shifts telling you not to take those things out of your hands every thirty seconds. I think they might be willing to help if you want to be in the squad. You know that Luck and Magna still had their original kit on when I got there, don’t you?”

“What?”

“You were the only one whose clothes got taken. Magna and Luck were meant to be your staff. If they’d been carrying your tablets, you would have been okay. If you’d talked to people.”

Then Langris stops. 

“If people had talked to you.”

Finral doesn’t know what he’s meant to say to that. He only realises his right hand is fiddling with the thing stuck above his wrist when Langris swears and grabs his hand and pulls it back. “You need to leave that stuff alone.”

Finral sighs. “Yeah. Everyone keeps saying. Was it so bad?”

“They restrained you with cuffs round your wrist. You pulled against them so much that you broke a bone and cut yourself down to the muscle. Yami made them take them off. He was so angry.”

Finral doesn’t say that he thinks he remembers Yami taking the restraints off. It’s like a memory of a memory. He doesn’t remember the pain. Maybe the blood.

“Look, you shouldn’t be making decisions like this now.”

“I don’t want anyone to have to do this again. Everyone’s got this look on their face.”

Langris frowns. “Finral. I don’t know how this works. I’m the wrong person to be discussing this with, seeing as the last time you were in here it was definitely my fault….”

Finral starts to say, “But the elf…”

“Shut up. I remember exactly what happened, and yeah, maybe it was an elf with the grimoire, but it was me reading the spells. So. You shouldn’t be telling me this. You should speak to your squad. Because I watched them. And shit. They’ll do anything for you. If you tell them you want to quit because you can’t face doing this again, they’ll look after you. But if you tell them you want to quit because you think they don’t want you, Vanessa is going to kick your ass.”

Finral can’t help but smile. Vanessa would kick his ass. 

“You should talk to them,” Langris says again. Then he gazes at the door. “Do you think Yami will let me out yet?”

There’s no sound of movement outside. Langris goes to stand at the door and leans against it. “I think he’s snoring.”

Finral can’t help himself. He laughs. “I dare you to try to get out now.”

Langris shakes his head. “No way.” He yawns. 

Yami’s taken the comfortable chair and there’s only a stool left. Langris goes to sit on it. 

For once, Finral doesn’t feel exhausted after a proper conversation. But Langris looks tired. “Here,” he says. “There’s enough room. Vanessa shared yesterday.”

Langris looks conflicted. But he yawns again. “You keep the blanket. And stay on this side of the bed, so that tube doesn’t get tangled.” 

So Langris climbs over and curls down against Finral. He’s warm, and Finral has to resist squirming closer. 

“You’re still cold,” Langris says. Finral takes that as an invitation to lean in.

Langris falls asleep with his hand on Finral’s arm the same as Vanessa had.

Finral’s almost sleeping too when the door cracks open and Yami brings his chair back in. “You two talk forever,” he says. “Good night, Finral.”

Finral grins at him. As if Captain Yami would be snoring outside an infirmary door. 

\--

Owen’s there in the morning. He’s doing an injection. Langris has gone. 

Just once, Finral would like people to stay where he leaves them. Then he sees Yami lounging on the same chair as last night. He’s watching Owen, even when he says, “Awake, Finral?”

“Yeah. Where’s Langris?”

Yami shrugged. “Somewhere. Wherever he goes when he’s not hanging around here. He stayed until Owen came.”

Owen looks up from finishing the injection. Finral hadn’t felt it, but there is a new floating sensation that he thinks might be the result. “Langris sleeps in my office. He doesn’t want you to find him and he thinks you won’t look in there. He doesn’t want to leave the infirmary. I gave him a blanket.”

Yami grins. “Your brother’s a weirdo, Finral.”

The floating sensation means that Finral can’t find it in himself to disagree. It’s not the space-bending, between portal sensation of putting the seizure meds up too fast. This feels like something different. “What’re you doing?” he asks.

“I’m going to change those dressings. Last time you were in a lot of pain. That’s a painkiller.”

“Am I meant to feel like this?”

Owen smiles. “It might interact with some of the other things you're on, but I’ll keep an eye. Tell me if it starts to feel worse.”

“Oh, no. This is quite nice. I don’t mind.”

“No butterflies?” Yami asked.

“No. This is different. Sort of…” He pauses because he can feel Owen doing something with the bandages on his left wrist. 

“You don’t have to look,” Yami says. He’s moved his chair so it’s facing the other way.

It’s probably the drugs, but Finral wants to watch. He sees Yami’s expression out of the corner of his eye and it’s funny how uncomfortable he looks. 

Definitely the drugs.

The dressings are bloody underneath, and there are raw areas that Owen teases off with warm water. Finral thinks it looks like it should hurt, but at the moment he’s disconnected from most sensations. 

Yami says, “Shouldn’t that be getting better?” He’s still looking the other way.

“They are,” Owen replies. “But the lacerations were nearly down to bone at some points. You’re lucky that it doesn’t look like there’s any permanent damage. They’re friction injuries. We can’t suture because there wasn’t enough healthy tissue, so we’re having to wait for them to heal from the bottom up. ”

Looking at the healing, mangled mess, Finral sort of agrees that he’s lucky that there isn’t permanent damage. Owen applies cream before reapplying the bandages. They aren’t as bulky as before. 

“The right side is worse,” he says in warning before removing the splint.

“I broke it?” Finral asks. This stuff is amazing. He should be upset. He isn’t.

“Yes. Which means we’re treating it as if it’s an open fracture.” He’s removed the splint and is now teasing off the adherent bandages with some kind of antiseptic liquid. It smells clean. 

This side is worse. Some of it looks like fresh meat on the butcher’s slab. The wounds look like they have started to heal, but they are still open and bleed a little as Owen cleans them. Finral is fascinated. He can see different groups of muscles and…

“Finral,” Yami says. “Stop looking at it. You’re going to regret it later.”

“But it’s inside me. It’s interesting.”

“We were better with the fucking butterflies. Look over here, idiot.”

Finral sighs, but does as he’s told. “I’ll never get to see that again,” he moans.

“I hope you don’t. I never want to see it again,” Yami says with feeling. “So, kid. When Owen gets done, we’re going to have a little talk.”

Whatever Owen has given him is saving him from the panic that those words should cause. He can deal with it later. “Sure. Can I ask Owen questions first?”

“Only if you stop looking at him.”

Finral drops his head back onto the pillow and huffs out a breath. “Whatever, Yami.”

Owen snorts a kind of half laugh. 

“You did this Owen,” Finral tells him. “You’re not allowed to laugh at me when it’s your drugs.”

Now Yami laughs. “He’s got a point.”

“I will be my most professional. Now. What did you want to know?”

“Okay. What the fuck happened to me?”

Yami laughs again.

Owen’s replies with a question. Because he always does. “What do you know already?”

“My meds got taken. Withdrawals are awful and cold. Magna and Luck looked after me and got me tea and blankets. I made a portal like it was my job to do.”

He shivers despite himself. He thinks he might see Yami glance at Owen, but he’s trying his best to do as he’s told and keep his eyes away from Owen’s work. “Langris came to get me, but it took him a while. And I was having seizures that wouldn’t stop. You got me here, and the things you did before didn't work. That happened to my wrists. Aralt put things in me again. And then I started to get better, even though it doesn’t feel like it’s any better. But that’s because I don’t remember the things that make everyone so scared to look at me. Are you nearly finished? Because I think this stuff is wearing off.”

“Nearly done,” Owen says. His voice is soft. 

Finral’s shivering by the time Owen stops. There is a sort of ache in his arms as though he’s held a portal too long, but he knows it’s not the pain that those wounds should cause. He feels a little nauseous. “If you want to sleep, you can,” Owen says in the same gentle voice.

“No. I want you to tell me. I don’t know who’ll be here the next time I wake up. I want people to stay where I leave them.”

“You can always ask for me to come if I’m not here.”

“I want to know now.”

Yami throws another blanket over him and he pulls it up to his neck. Owen says, “I can tell you, but if you need me to stop, say.”

“He won’t do that. He’ll fall asleep, then you’ll have to repeat it all again,” Yami says. 

“Shut up, Yami,” Finral mutters.

Owen ignores them. “What you know is correct. Langris came and got me and the infirmary spatial mage. We arrived and you were having a generalised seizure that had lasted about thirty minutes. I could stop the seizure with the recovery spell the same way I did the first time it happened.”

“When I was in the bath.”

“Yes. You didn’t have any medication in your system so we used the spell to bring you back here. I put you out, thinking we could do the same as we did before, but each time I brought you round, the seizures restarted again.”

“I think I might remember something like that.” 

“It wasn’t very pleasant. I tried you on different meds each time. The only thing that worked was a combination of three very powerful drugs, and that only succeeded in preventing the seizures from generalising. You were having almost continuous partial ones like you did five years ago. Back then you wandered off. You tried to do that here too, and you couldn’t leave the equipment alone.

“We were meant to monitor you continuously, but there was an emergency elsewhere and when the staff came back, you’d pulled out all the tubes and were out of bed. Some junior decided that restraints were the best way to keep you safe.” Owen looked at the bandages on Finral’s wrists. “They were wrong.”

Yami says, “I came to find out what was happening, and you were covered in blood like you’d committed a murder. You were so out of it, I don’t think you even knew you were hurting yourself.”

Finral shivers again. 

“The only other way was for someone to be with you all the time,” Owen continues. “You’d get more anxious if you didn’t know them, so the Bulls moved in. There’s been someone with you since then. They mostly had to stop you pulling out tubes. Sometimes you’d be upset and want to get out of the bed, but they’d always calm you down. They took shifts.”

“Who?”

“Yami, Vanessa, obviously. Magna and Luck come as a pair, and I made Asta and Noelle pair up too. Sometimes Secre as well. Gordon’s been here. I think Henry’s upset he can’t come. Grey wanted to wait until you were better, and Gauche is keeping an eye on her and Henry. I’ve had to turn away half of the Deer and Golden Dawn squads. It’s hard to tell Fuegoleon ‘No, come back later,’ when he makes those sad puppy eyes.”

For a moment Finral tries to imagine Fuegoleon with sad puppy eyes. He can’t.

“So, what happens now?”

“The swelling in your brain that was causing the problem is settling. I thought at first that you might have extended the damage from Ayre, or caused a new focal point. But it seems more likely that there’s been a general inflammation caused by the combination of withdrawals, the seizure and the magic use. That inflammation is improving, so I’ve started taking down the doses of the medications that you’re on. You might have to move to combination treatment in the long term but there’s no reason we can’t get you back to seizure free again.”

Those were the words that Finral feared he might not hear. Seizure free. 

“How long will it take?”

“The inflammation is settling. I’m going to bring down the doses over the next couple of weeks so we’re using the lowest we can.”

“Do I… do we have to stay here?”

"While you need the feeding tube, yes. But get that out, and I can teach you and your squad how to administer the medication into the cannulas until you can manage the tablets again.”

“So, I’ve got to eat and you’ll let me go home?”

“You need to come back every couple of days for dressing changes and dose adjustment. But that would be acceptable. I think everyone might feel better with fewer black bulls all over the place. Aralt says it makes the place look untidy.”

“Yami, can we do that?”

“Sure. We’re not taking Langris back with us though.”

“Yeah. That seems fair. I want to go home, but I don’t think Langris would like it there.” The thought of Langris making friends with Grey as she turns into everyone else makes him smile sleepily.

Whatever was in that syringe that Owen gave him has worn off and his wrists ache. He’s tired like he’s held a portal open too long. He lets himself close his eyes and drifts off to sleep to the quiet voices of Yami and Owen as they discuss things. Probably him, but he’s too tired to wonder what they are saying.

\--

The next time he wakes, it’s Magna and Luck in the room with him. They’re playing a game of cards. 

And Yami is there. Where Finral left him. Still on the comfortable chair and watching the card game. Looks like Luck’s winning as usual. Magna’s terrible at cards. It’s midafternoon judging by the way the sunlight is streaming in the window. 

He’s warm and the pain from earlier has receded. He’s almost comfortable. 

Of course Luck knows he’s awake even if he’s concentrating on the cards. He says, “Hi Finral. You want me to deal you in so you can beat Magna too.”

“I think I’ll pass. Thanks.”

Magna gives a halfhearted growl. “I’ll beat you next round.”

Yami says, “You said that last time. And the time before that.”

Luck laughs. He plays his card and collects the rest of his winnings.

It’s pleasant to watch them play and listen to Yami’s commentary. When Yami hands Finral a mug with a straw in it, he’s got the straw in his mouth before he realises what he’s doing. He panics for a second, then brings it back under control. He wants to go home. To go home he has to do this. It takes a small sip. Then another. His hands are shaking when he tries to put the mug away, but Yami takes it from him. Luck and Magna seem to be absorbed in their game, but Finral’s not foolish enough to think they aren’t paying close attention. 

There isn’t the overwhelming nausea this time, which Finral will take as a win. Yami says, “Owen thinks you felt so sick last time because you were on high doses. He’s cut them back a little this morning, so maybe it’ll be easier this time.

It is. Finral manages to drink half the mug in little sips over half an hour. Magna and Luck excuse themselves to go and find their dinner. 

Yami is staring at him. He had said, ‘We need to have a little talk.’ Either he’s constipated, or this is him working up to it.

“Did you mean what you said to Langris?” Yami asks. It is the talk.

“Which thing,” Finral says and fidgets with the edge of the blanket. He knows exactly what thing. Yami doesn’t snore when he naps in chairs. He does listen at doors.

“Do you want to give up the Bulls?

“No… Well, I don’t want to. But this makes me a liability in the field doesn’t it? Yeah, so I survived this time, but who knows what might happen with my meds the next time. I don’t know if I can be responsible for this happening again.”

“Finral, you know this has been a possibility since you were sixteen. It could have happened any time…”

Finral interrupts. “That makes it worse.”

“Any time. And you still managed for nearly six years without anyone even figuring out there was an issue, never mind it affecting you. You had it under control, Owen says you’re going to get it back.”

“But everyone…” He struggles to articulate the feeling of dread of the squad, his junior squadmates, knowing how easy it is for him to lose control like this. To know that he’s basically a week from becoming either an unconscious seizing wreck, or so out of it that he can break his own wrist and rip his flesh down to the bone because he won’t leave medical equipment alone.

“They know. Do you think they won’t respect you after this?”

“No,” he says. Then he stops. Maybe. Is Yami right?

“They know it all. Magna and Luck told them what you said. Vanessa and I filled in the gaps, but there weren’t many. And you realise not one of them looked to me like they thought any less of you. Look, if anything, they might respect you more. After all, you do this despite knowing you’re a week from becoming an unconscious seizing wreck. You keep them safe. You’re their senior no matter what.”

“But…”

“Shit, Finral. Langris was right. You are an idiot. You want to stop doing this, go and work in the infirmary, because this scared the living daylights out of you, then we get it. We’ll help. Expect those idiots to try to persuade you to stay, but in the end, this was horrible for us, and worse for you. Your home is with us. Me and Vanessa’ll get them to respect your choice. But if you decide you want to stop being a Magic Knight because you want to protect us from whatever you think this is, then you deserve the ass kicking Vanessa gives you.” Yami rubs his hand over his eyes. “I’m no fucking good at this shit.”

“I don’t know what I want to do,” Finral says quietly.

“You don’t have to decide now. Or even at all. Get better first. But, you’ve got to know, these guys have your back. You managed this on your own for nearly six years. Now you’ve got your team to help. That’s got to be better?”

“I don’t know,” Finral says again. He feels close to tears.

“Don’t fucking cry. Just, do stuff for the right reasons.” He frowns, and then says, “Did Vanessa ever tell you that I wanted to quit? After Ayre.”

Finral stares at him. 

“I was going to give Julius back the squad. It was my fault we went. You knew it was dangerous. Shit. I put that fucking rope around your wrists. I had you make a portal when you were so out of it that you couldn’t think straight. And then we waited in a forest all night. I was going to quit. Know what Vanessa said to me?”

Finral shakes his head. He didn’t know this. Yami is staring out the window, but Finral knows he’s not seeing the city roofs. He wonders what Yami sees when he thinks about Ayre and its aftermath. What does he hear?

“Vanessa said I had to speak to you.”

“What? Why?”

“She said I had to ask you.”

“But that stuff wasn’t your fault. It was just what happened. You couldn’t have stopped it. You did everything you could...”

Yami turns to look at Finral and smirks. The bastard winks. “Yeah. That’s what I’ll tell you too.”

“But…” Finral starts, then realises what he’s said and how it could apply to the garrison as well as Ayre. “Did you ask me? I don’t remember.”

“I didn’t have to ask you. I talked to you not long after you woke up. You clamped your arm around me and wouldn’t let go. You fell asleep. I decided that was your way of telling me to stay.”

“Are you going to do that to me?”

“No. Cause I figure you’ve got plenty good reasons to quit. It’s fine if you want to do something else. But if you’re thinking about quitting for your team's sake, it might be worth speaking to them first.”

Finral thinks he’s scowling again. “Did you practice this?”

“You can’t hang around with Julius and Vanessa without picking up some tricks. So, what do you think?”

“I don’t know Yami. I don’t know what I want to do. What if it happens again?”

“Who knows what’s going to happen to any of us? I mean, have you seen the way Asta throws himself at stuff until he breaks? Or what’s going to happen when Vanessa’s liver catches up with her? Don’t ask about Magna and Luck? We all run risks with this life. But we’re a team Finral. We want to help if you let us.”

“But what if they don’t want me back?” he whispers. He isn’t even sure if Yami can hear him.

Of course Yami can hear him. He sighs and comes to sit on the edge of the bed. “Come here. Idiot.”

Finral leans into the hug and closes his eyes. 

He isn’t sure how long Yami holds him as he cries. Finally, the door creaks open. Yami says, “Damn it, Magna. What is it?”

“Are you okay sir? Only, it’s really quiet.”

Finral pushes himself back up. He rubs his hands over his eyes. He must look a mess. Again. 

Magna says, “Shit. Sorry. We just wanted to…”

Luck pushes into the room. “Why are you crying, Finral?” he demands. “Who do I need to fight? Should I fight Yami?”

Magna hits his arm. “He’s sad, idiot. That doesn’t mean you have to fight someone.” Then he says to Finral, “But, you know, if there is someone, we’ll fight them for you.”

“You’re all idiots,” Yami says. 

“Owen says you’ve got to try to eat this,” Magna says. He’s holding a small cup of dessert.

“Well, Aralt said it,” Luck admits, “but he said we were to tell you that it was Owen so that you’d do it.” Luck just doesn’t understand secrets.

Magna hits his arm. He gets shocked for his trouble and it might have spiraled into a brawl if Yami hadn’t caught them both by the head and placed them in separate corners of the room. “Time out. This is a hospital.” He rescues the dessert. Finral smiles as it’s placed on the little table. It’s one of Charmy’s specialties. He’d wondered where she’d got to. As if she could stay away when most of the squad seems to be here. She’s always had a soft spot for Owen.

Magna and Luck sulk. That gives Yami a chance to hand Finral the dessert and a spoon. The first spoonful makes his stomach lurch, but he knows its nerves rather than a physical reaction. It’s smooth and cool. It’s the first thing he’s tasted for ages. He’d forgotten that food could be more than stomach churning fear. He manages another two small spoonfuls and grins at Yami. 

He’s working up to another when Luck says, “Hey. Look what Vanessa made.”

It looks like he’s about to pull his pants down and Finral will admit to squealing a little as his brain panics about what Luck’s about to disclose. Yami laughs and steadies the dessert as Finral scrambles back in the bed.

Turns out Vanessa’s made a little pocket sewn into the waistband of Luck’s pants. It’s concealed within the fabric. If you didn’t know it was there, you’d never be able to see it. He slips his index finger and thumb inside and pulls out a familiar white tablet. “Owen says it’ll hold a four day supply, even if he has to change your meds.”

Finral glances at Magna, who turns out his waistband too. There is a similar small pocket. “We checked with Owen. They can last 6 months, so long as Asta doesn’t try to put them through the laundry.”

“You did this? For me? You want me back? After this?” 

Luck’s smile is confused. It’s Magna who answers. “Of course. You're our senior, aren’t you?”

And damn, but Finral bursts into tears over his half eaten dessert. Magna comes in for another hug. Luck’s not far behind. 

And Yami says, “Doesn’t look like you’re going anywhere either, kid.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, Langris's "find Finral" spell is the one he learns in Small Problems.


	3. Chapter 3

It takes another four days for Finral to convince Owen that taking out the feeding tube won’t mean it has to be reinserted again. In that time he tries a little of every dessert that Charmy makes and even some of her soup. She sends it with sheep, but never visits herself. 

It would have been sooner if he hadn’t lost a day to generalised seizures. Owen said it was because he’d cut out one of the drugs in the cocktail. Restarting it puts Finral back on a balance again.

The Bulls stay in the infirmary, but they’re careful not to overwhelm him. Gordon visits. His presence after the second seizure reassures Finral in a way that he doesn’t understand. It might be hardwired into his brain after Ayre. Gordon helps him get changed with more skill than any of the nurses he’s met. His mumbled conversation with Yami sends him back to sleep despite the post-seizure confusion. 

When Asta and Noelle are there, they bicker. That’s fine until they try to bring Finral in to support a side of the argument. As far as Finral can work out neither of them can remember their original opinion and they seem to have switched sides at least twice. They’re exhausting, but it’s so ordinary that he can’t help smile even when he’s too tired to understand what they’re saying. Yami tells them to be quiet eventually.

Magna and Luck are there when Owen changes the bandages the next time. They move their game table back to make room. It’s a complicated dice thing with rules that Finral’s not sure he understands. He blames the meds when he declines to take part. Yami assures him that no one but Magna and Luck know how to play this game. 

Owen uses the same injection as before so Finral is disconnected from the pain when the bandages are changed. Luck is even more interested than Finral, and they both watch as Owen pulls the dressings down and makes encouraging noises about the progress of the healing. Magna and Yami do not look. Magna looks queasy.

Finral wakes another time to find Owen and Vanessa playing the game with the little letter tiles in the afternoon sun. This is the infirmary’s box, so it has the instructions, unlike the one in the Bull's hideout. That one is also missing all the letter ‘P’s for a reason that Magna declines to explain. Owen nearly always wins, but they play with a dictionary alongside because Vanessa thinks Owen’s medical words are bluffs. Most of them aren’t. 

Vanessa is also there when he feels the first seizure come on. They’d been talking about Charmy’s attempts to chase a persistent crow away from the strawberry plants when he feels the dread that means a big seizure is imminent. When he wakes up she’s running her hands through his hair. Yami tells him how long he was out and where everyone is before he falls asleep again. He doesn’t even see Owen.

Langris appears and disappears without warning. Finral’s sure that there isn’t a plan, and he comes when he can’t stay away any longer. Magna tries to teach him the dice game. Noelle manages to tie herself in such a logic loop with Asta that Langris has to summarise their disagreement and explain why they are, in fact, agreeing. He seems to approve of Gordon because he doesn’t try to engage in conversation. He ignores Yami, which suits them both. 

Sometimes he’ll talk to Finral about his day. It seems that he’s moved out of Owen’s office and back to his own quarters at the Golden Dawn. The long running drama of who takes the food from the Dawn’s communal larder seems to be solved. Yuno doesn’t fall out with anyone for two days and this seems to be newsworthy too. They seem to have adopted a cat. It’s simple and wonderful and more companionship than Finral thought he’d ever have with his brother. He blames the drugs for feeling close to tears every time he thinks about it when Langris has gone.

Despite all the comings and goings, there is one constant. Yami is always there. He’s there while Noelle and Asta argue, when Luck beats Magna at cards and when Gordon helps change Finral’s clothes. Yami drinks tea as Owen increases Vanessa’s vocabulary and he might laugh at some of the things the ‘perfect Golden Dawn’ get up to.

Every time Finral dozes off, or seizes, Yami is in the same place when he wakes up. He shrugs when Finral asks about it. “I’m keeping an eye on my ride,” he explains.

Knowing that there is one stable face in among the ever changing sea of people grounds Finral in a way that he hadn’t realised he needed. It’s as if his awareness of where he is has been supplemented by the knowledge of who he is with. He remembers the frustration he had felt after Ayre when no one would leave him alone. Now, not being alone comforts him more than he thought possible. 

Yami even stays when Owen says that Finral can have other visitors. It’s the day before he is supposed to go home. Owen shows him a list of people who have asked to visit. Everyone who was on the raid is on it, along with at least half of the rest of the Magic Knights. The old woman that he helps with her groceries once a month is there, as well as half a dozen waitresses and a couple of barmen. Finral would have said yes to everyone, but Yami and Vanessa veto nearly all for the moment. Finral presses them to at least let the pretty ones in, but Yami threatens to tear up the list and invite Jack instead. No one comments on the fact that his father and stepmother’s names are not there. 

In the end, Yami suggests Fuegoleon because he’s been making puppy eyes at Owen again. Finral’s a bit intimidated by the Crimson Lion Captain, but Yami says that Fuegoleon is very fond of Finral, and he can talk to the Magic Knights that they turn down. Julius is on the list. Finral is a little nervous to ask to see him out of all the possible visitors, but Yami nods as if it’s a good choice. 

They come together. There is something about them standing side by side at the door that itches Finral’s memory, but he can’t place it. Julius is as warm and friendly as that time in the forest with the apples. And just as he was in the garden when Finral was a child. Fuegoleon seems content to lean against the wall and contributes very little until they are about to leave. 

“Finral,” he says. “You did a remarkable job in the garrison. Everyone who was there wanted me to thank you. I hope that what happened doesn’t put you off returning to your duties with the Bulls when you can. If there is anything that we can do to help you, we will.” He’s so earnest when they shake hands that Finral blushes. He replays the words as he falls asleep when they leave.

Aralt takes the tube out and removes one of the little vein things from Finral’s arm. It’s done while the painkiller for the dressings is still working so he can’t panic too much. Aralt’s as efficient as he always is, and perhaps doesn’t look like he wants to kill Finral. This is an improvement. 

Yami, Vanessa and Gordon listen when Owen runs through the drugs for the next couple of days. Gordon is nominated as the one least likely to mess this up so he learns all the names and doses. Finral loses track. He also blames this on the meds. Yami blames the pretty junior recovery mage who’s helping Owen out today.

And then they get to go home.

\--

Two months later, with the new combination therapy at its tightest dose, and no seizures for four weeks, Finral goes out on a mission with his team. And if Yami watches him a little closer, the others soon get over their caution when Finral portals two rampaging mana beasts into their midst. 

It’s back to business as usual. 

\--

_End_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And whew! That is the end (for the moment). This turned into a rather long and involved explanation of why Yami never tells Finral to make a portal if he says he can't. But at least now we know.
> 
> Simplesongsmistress and fairytail1230 helped make this lots better. They are both fantastic.
> 
> Thank you to everyone (and I mean EVERYONE) who has read these stories, left a comment or a kudos. I have appreciated you all more than you can possibly know. Writing is fun. Writing things that other people like is amazing. Drop me a note if you enjoyed it, and expect random headcanons and chattering in return.


End file.
